Today I met with my spiritual director for the last time. She is moving back to her community to take a position she was called to. The sadness of the occasion didn't me until the very end (as is normal for my normal male, brutish self).
She started to tear up when talking about moving back to her community. My heart fell. I am so caught up in myself. Although I had given some thought to the fact she was making a big transition, her problems and transition had not really entered my thoughts. I can be so selfish.
As we hugged in her office, she made the sign of the cross on my forehead and said something to the effect of, you are blessed, I will miss you Jason. I wanted to cry so bad.
I will miss you too Sister Kathy, I will miss you so much. More than for the wonderful guidance and insight you've given me, I will miss you for your kind face, your infectious laugh and your wonderful spirit. But even more so, you have been present on such an important part of my spiritual journey.
God speed.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Ruling in VA ?
We may be hearing a decision from the courts in Virginia tomorrow:
http://www.fcnp.com/news_stories/judge_vows_episcopal_property_ruling_friday_20080402.html
http://www.fcnp.com/news_stories/judge_vows_episcopal_property_ruling_friday_20080402.html
Another step in my process
Thankfully I am back to 100% this week (I think anyway).
I met with my spiritual director today and it was one of the best meetings we've had. I have to say though she informed me she is moving very soon so we are only going to be able to meet one more one time.
I am more than a little bummed. Although this fits in with the whole scheme of things as they're going and it all seems to fit into a plan laid out by God, I am going to dearly miss her. She is so compassionate, funny and easy to get along with. Our senses of humor seemed to click really well also and that is always important to me in any type of relationship.
She is going back to serve an important role in her community (she is a Roman Catholic nun) and I can't be happier and more excited for her. I will certainly miss her and our meetings though.
I met with my spiritual director today and it was one of the best meetings we've had. I have to say though she informed me she is moving very soon so we are only going to be able to meet one more one time.
I am more than a little bummed. Although this fits in with the whole scheme of things as they're going and it all seems to fit into a plan laid out by God, I am going to dearly miss her. She is so compassionate, funny and easy to get along with. Our senses of humor seemed to click really well also and that is always important to me in any type of relationship.
She is going back to serve an important role in her community (she is a Roman Catholic nun) and I can't be happier and more excited for her. I will certainly miss her and our meetings though.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Tamiflu sucks
The folks came up to visit and take me out to dinner this past Monday. It was great to see them and have a good meal down at Suggins. The next morning though, I woke up around 2 am vomiting, I barely made it into the bathroom. I spent the next few hours being sick and debating whether or not to go into work. Around 8 am, after having showered and gotten ready I finally realized there wasn't a chance I was going to make it to work. I called in sick, although I made it in that afternoon for a little bit. I was off Wednesday as well and although I went in Thursday, I was worthless.
Friday I felt better but nowhere near 100%. I went to my doctor on Thursday, he didn't think I had anything major. He offered to prescribe me Tamiflu just in case. I said sure, thinking I would take anything to be well once and for all.
Come to find out Tamiflu has major side effects. Nauseua, dizziness, vertigo etc. The upside is Tamiflu can cut short the flu by *one* day. Are all of those side effects worth the freakin *one* day? I don't really think so. Tamiflu made me feel awful so I quit taking it.
Since then I have felt better and better. Who thought Tamiflu was a good idea?
Friday I felt better but nowhere near 100%. I went to my doctor on Thursday, he didn't think I had anything major. He offered to prescribe me Tamiflu just in case. I said sure, thinking I would take anything to be well once and for all.
Come to find out Tamiflu has major side effects. Nauseua, dizziness, vertigo etc. The upside is Tamiflu can cut short the flu by *one* day. Are all of those side effects worth the freakin *one* day? I don't really think so. Tamiflu made me feel awful so I quit taking it.
Since then I have felt better and better. Who thought Tamiflu was a good idea?
Friday, March 28, 2008
Recovering from this week
I've been suffering through a stomach bug or possibly even the flu for the last few days. It's been one of the worst illnesses I've been through in a while and yet not nearly as bad as what some of my co-workers have gone through.
Still though, it was bad enough for me.
Today is the first today I have felt close to normal. Not 100%, just close to normal. Thankfully in time for the weekend also.
So I'm enjoying my partner's company (after he had been gone all the previous week).
Right now the dogs are playing, I think the male dog has reconsidered his de facto sister as a possible girlfriend.
I guess being dogs, it doesn't strike me as weird as it were if they were actual children.
Still though, it was bad enough for me.
Today is the first today I have felt close to normal. Not 100%, just close to normal. Thankfully in time for the weekend also.
So I'm enjoying my partner's company (after he had been gone all the previous week).
Right now the dogs are playing, I think the male dog has reconsidered his de facto sister as a possible girlfriend.
I guess being dogs, it doesn't strike me as weird as it were if they were actual children.
Monday, March 24, 2008
This past week
What a time I have had since last Monday! My partner has been in Aruba since last Monday. I had the chance to go but didn't because of several reasons: I am not a beach person by any stretch of the imagination, I went last year so I've seen Aruba - it's nice, just don't feel the need to see it again right away, I would like to save my money and vacation time for somewhere I really want to go to, plus this past week was Holy Week and then Easter. Also, I had to take care of both dogs this past week, which has put a cramp on anything I wish to do, I've had to adjust my work schedule to make sure I can get home to let them out. Normally not a big deal. But this week at work has been perhaps one of the busiest weeks we've had in a long time. And add on top of that it was Holy Week. I attended some form of service every day of the week from Palm Sunday up to Easter. So, I had a busy week, but it's all coming to an end. My partner returns tomorrow night. This week at work shouldn't be nearly as busy. But even as much as I was dreading this past week (as I saw everything building up towards a really busy week) I came through it fine, like I always do and as I suspect most people do through situations they first imagine are going to be awful. Maybe by the time this coming weekend arrives I will have some time to catch my breath.
Christ is risen! 
Saturday, March 22, 2008
The Great Vigil of Easter
I have to admit, I was a bit skeptical heading into tonight's service. My first experience with the Great Vigil of Easter didn't live up to the billing. I was told it was the biggest service in the church year, it would be packed, would last for two hours etc etc. That was also when I was baptized and confirmed.
Well that service was spectacular for me for the simple reason I was baptized, that was such a huge transformation for me, I am still trying to comprehend it all two years later. But I still remember the service itself not living up to the billing.
Last year I was running the sound so any meaning attached to the service was lost on me completely.
This year, because of everything I've been going through spiritually, I have hoped every service I have attended has some meaning. Like I said at the beginning, I wasn't quite sure about this one, even skeptical.
As it began and continued I was ok, but still not moved. We sat in darkness with our candles, listening to the Old Testament readings. Then the lights came on and everything was supposed to be glorious.
I did find my glory though. As we moved from darkness into light I realized the bonds, the weight, the cross even, that we were all supposed to bear for the last 40 days, were gone now. We were free, we could be happy, even rejoice in church and not have to kneel and grovel and ask for forgiveness.
When I realized that, I could barely keep myself from smiling and indeed almost laughing out loud at the joy I felt.
Thank God it's Easter!
Well that service was spectacular for me for the simple reason I was baptized, that was such a huge transformation for me, I am still trying to comprehend it all two years later. But I still remember the service itself not living up to the billing.
Last year I was running the sound so any meaning attached to the service was lost on me completely.
This year, because of everything I've been going through spiritually, I have hoped every service I have attended has some meaning. Like I said at the beginning, I wasn't quite sure about this one, even skeptical.
As it began and continued I was ok, but still not moved. We sat in darkness with our candles, listening to the Old Testament readings. Then the lights came on and everything was supposed to be glorious.
I did find my glory though. As we moved from darkness into light I realized the bonds, the weight, the cross even, that we were all supposed to bear for the last 40 days, were gone now. We were free, we could be happy, even rejoice in church and not have to kneel and grovel and ask for forgiveness.
When I realized that, I could barely keep myself from smiling and indeed almost laughing out loud at the joy I felt.
Thank God it's Easter!
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Maundy Thursday
The Thursday before Easter is traditionally referred to as Maundy Thursday in the Anglican church, and I believe the Roman Catholic church (although they tend to refer to it simply as Holy Thursday).
The term Maundy comes from "Mandatum novum do vobis ut diligatis invicem sicut dilexi vos" ("A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you"), the statement by Jesus in the Gospel of John (13:34) by which Jesus explained to the Apostles the significance of his action of washing their feet. (from wikipedia).
This is also the day which we signify that Jesus instituted the Holy Eucharist in the form of the Last Supper.
Within the Episcopal Church we also signify this day by the descent into darkness as associated with Good Friday. At the end of the service the altar is stripped and the lights are slowly turned down to the point of darkness. At the end the congregation is left in darkness with an empty and stark altar, in darkness, no choir, no clergy. Just themselves, darkness and God.
The term Maundy comes from "Mandatum novum do vobis ut diligatis invicem sicut dilexi vos" ("A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you"), the statement by Jesus in the Gospel of John (13:34) by which Jesus explained to the Apostles the significance of his action of washing their feet. (from wikipedia).
This is also the day which we signify that Jesus instituted the Holy Eucharist in the form of the Last Supper.
Within the Episcopal Church we also signify this day by the descent into darkness as associated with Good Friday. At the end of the service the altar is stripped and the lights are slowly turned down to the point of darkness. At the end the congregation is left in darkness with an empty and stark altar, in darkness, no choir, no clergy. Just themselves, darkness and God.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
The dogs went crazy
The dogs managed to get hold of a couple of branches of the palm trees (even though all the plants are barricaded from them) and the results ended up in the middle of the living room floor.
When I went to vacuum (and upstairs on the white carpet I normally just vacuum up similar looking leaves with the vacuum) I started to see bright green streaks on the carpet. The palm fronds were leaving stains!!
Luckily with the carpet cleaner I was able to get everything up. I had a heart attack for a moment thinking the carpet was stained.
I noticed that Kaiser actually had to (it could only have been him - Zelda doesn't have the length) rear up on one of the chairs and actually bite a couple of the palm ends off.
Oh well, I suppose it's better than destroying the furniture.
When I went to vacuum (and upstairs on the white carpet I normally just vacuum up similar looking leaves with the vacuum) I started to see bright green streaks on the carpet. The palm fronds were leaving stains!!
Luckily with the carpet cleaner I was able to get everything up. I had a heart attack for a moment thinking the carpet was stained.
I noticed that Kaiser actually had to (it could only have been him - Zelda doesn't have the length) rear up on one of the chairs and actually bite a couple of the palm ends off.
Oh well, I suppose it's better than destroying the furniture.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
The dogs had a heyday
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Today was pretty much a blur. A lot of work was a blur. We have so many people out it's crazy, so we are all overworked and overstressed.
Spiritually I continue to ponder my priest's requests of me. I think about this whole spiritual direction, my sense of a call, every day.
Who knows what's going to happen?
Spiritually I continue to ponder my priest's requests of me. I think about this whole spiritual direction, my sense of a call, every day.
Who knows what's going to happen?
Bishop of San Joaquin is deposed
The bishop of San Joaquin has been formerly deposed (i.e. defrocked).
This has been coming for awhile.
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jDZX3K59yZ25znkruveYwlCs3VmgD8VC7O004
This has been coming for awhile.
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jDZX3K59yZ25znkruveYwlCs3VmgD8VC7O004
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Work
Sometimes things are just a little grey.
At work my manager is going to be out an additional week. The supervisor won't be back until Tuesday. We are all way stressed about everything. And to boot next week is the Sweet 16 basketball tournament which means extra work for everyone.
Tom's stocks are in the hole, his work is crap too.
Sigh.
At work my manager is going to be out an additional week. The supervisor won't be back until Tuesday. We are all way stressed about everything. And to boot next week is the Sweet 16 basketball tournament which means extra work for everyone.
Tom's stocks are in the hole, his work is crap too.
Sigh.
Humbling yourself
The gospel reading for today focused on the idea of Jesus coming to us not for us to be his servants, but for him to serve us. The whole idea of humbling himself before us. The idea of God stooping down to us as he does in the psalms from time to time, to help us, to lift us up.
And we are in turn called to do the same for our brethren. To humble ourselves before our fellow human beings and especially those human beings who cause us the most trouble.
To serve, not to be served. To humble oneself.
Thinking on that I know of someone at work that has caused me a great deal of trouble in the past that I think I need to do this with. Lent is the perfect time for such a thing.
I'll write back on what happens.
And we are in turn called to do the same for our brethren. To humble ourselves before our fellow human beings and especially those human beings who cause us the most trouble.
To serve, not to be served. To humble oneself.
Thinking on that I know of someone at work that has caused me a great deal of trouble in the past that I think I need to do this with. Lent is the perfect time for such a thing.
I'll write back on what happens.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Obama wins Mississippi
Obama is going to win Mississippi. Probably by a good margin. What does this mean? Well, he's stepping more and more towards the nomination. He's building his lead in: the number of states he's won, the number of delegats he's won and the popular vote margin.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Dry bones
Today's reading from the old testament was about the valley of dry bones (Ezekiel 37).
From the first time I heard this passage at the Great Vigil of Easter where I as baptized (and am sure to hear it again on the upcoming Great Vigil), I have always thought this one of the most provoking passages of the Bible.
An entire valley of dry bones, 'very dry bones'. No life had been present there for a long time. But yet God breathed life into these bones.
So much we learn about our faith is centered on the idea of dying to our old self before we can attain our new self. Here we have a direct representation of that. Death becomes life. The old becomes new. Dead, dry bones take on new life.
Are we (am I?) truly ready to become dry and dead so that I may attain new life?
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Obama wins Wyoming
Obama has whipped Hillary in Wyoming.After her surprising success on March 4th, he appears to have slowed whatever momentum she was experiencing.
I've said this to everyone who asks, I like them both. I prefer Hillary, but at this point, from a mathematical standpoint, Obama is going to win unless he makes an absolute historical blunder,
a la Gary Hart in 1987 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Hart
I know this won't make me popular with some people I know, but I'm trying to figure out Hillary's motive here. If she were to hang on, win Pennsylvania, probably Kentucky and a couple other states that are left, she would still trail in the pledged delegate count. Is she hoping to swing the super delegates? I guess she is, but as much of a fan as I am of hers, if she were to somehow convince the super delegates to go her way and give the nomination to her (thus overriding the will of the people who voted in the primaries and caucuses), it would destroy the democratic party and any hope for a victory in November.
Snow snow snow
As one of the surest signs of spring is nearly upon us, daylight savings time, we received our biggest snowfall of the winter season. I'd say we received a good 6-8 inches or so. My parents who live about 45 minutes away received over 10 inches.
I love snow, especially at the start of the winter season, before Christmas and all that. It can be so beautiful. Once I get past Christmas and move into the new year, snow just ends up being a hassle. And especially now that spring is closing in, it's a very unwelcome visitor that I hope not to see again for awhile.
I love snow, especially at the start of the winter season, before Christmas and all that. It can be so beautiful. Once I get past Christmas and move into the new year, snow just ends up being a hassle. And especially now that spring is closing in, it's a very unwelcome visitor that I hope not to see again for awhile.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Finding my path
Since last Friday and my meeting with my priest, I've had lots of moments of feeling inadequate. Not just for the priesthood or diaconate, but just in general. It has really made me take a step back and reassess things.
What I have learned is that everything is really ok. I can't imagine other people that go through this process don't go through this.
I still am called, I know that in my heart of hearts.
So that keeps me going, moving me forward.
This entire process at least has helped me in dealing with day to day life. I have a better grasp on dealing with day to day life and stresses. I feel a much stronger urge to constantly walk the path I feel God has called me to.
Now, how that actually ends up being translated in my actual actions, I don't know.
I just know I feel more confident in my ski
What I have learned is that everything is really ok. I can't imagine other people that go through this process don't go through this.
I still am called, I know that in my heart of hearts.
So that keeps me going, moving me forward.
This entire process at least has helped me in dealing with day to day life. I have a better grasp on dealing with day to day life and stresses. I feel a much stronger urge to constantly walk the path I feel God has called me to.
Now, how that actually ends up being translated in my actual actions, I don't know.
I just know I feel more confident in my ski
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Something(someone) to lean on
I have to keep reminding myself of the idea of finding rest and safety in the Lord.
It is something I cling to on some days, esp in the last few days. Work has been crazy busy for a couple of weeks and me and my partner have been at it the last couple of days. More on that later, but, when that does happen, it leaves me depressed and withdrawn and feeling very unconnected spiritually. I lean on my partner
So I keep reminding myself, the Lord is my strength, in Him my hope rests.
I know things will turn out ok, they always do. But it helps to have a crutch. My crutch is God.
It is something I cling to on some days, esp in the last few days. Work has been crazy busy for a couple of weeks and me and my partner have been at it the last couple of days. More on that later, but, when that does happen, it leaves me depressed and withdrawn and feeling very unconnected spiritually. I lean on my partner
So I keep reminding myself, the Lord is my strength, in Him my hope rests.
I know things will turn out ok, they always do. But it helps to have a crutch. My crutch is God.
Finding safety
I try to remind myself constantly of the old prayer (the source escapes me at the moment), "Do not be afraid, I am with thee". Very simple but really all I need in difficult moments.
The Lord is with me, why on earth should I be afraid of anything? Why should I be worried about the trivialities of day to day life?
I have to keep reminding myself that when I hit a rough spot or a bad day, I still have hope because I have hope in the Lord.
So, what has happened to make me think of this? I've had an incredibly busy and challenging time at work. Home life has been even more challenging. My partner and I have been at it. It hasn't been pretty the last couple of days. More on that later, maybe.
So, I just have to keep reminding myself that my safety rests in the Lord.
The Lord is with me, why on earth should I be afraid of anything? Why should I be worried about the trivialities of day to day life?
I have to keep reminding myself that when I hit a rough spot or a bad day, I still have hope because I have hope in the Lord.
So, what has happened to make me think of this? I've had an incredibly busy and challenging time at work. Home life has been even more challenging. My partner and I have been at it. It hasn't been pretty the last couple of days. More on that later, maybe.
So, I just have to keep reminding myself that my safety rests in the Lord.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Uncomfortable change
Today was a dreary old day here, and just after a series of days where the weather was incredible for this time of the year. But for whatever reason I felt inspired today, I usually do on Wednesdays because I have the weekly Wednesday service at church to look forward to. It's always a source of refreshment for me, a sort of stop over in the middle of the week. A time to renew and hold oneself over until Sunday.
Today was exceptional, considering the time of the year, Lent, the sermon was about the gospel story of Jesus healing the man that was too lame to get into the pool. After being healed the man was commanded to take up his mat and walk. What the priest said was something I had not thought about before. That perhaps this man had a comfortable life, or at least a life he was used to. He knew what he was going to do for the last 38 years. And now all of a sudden he is healed and able to walk about freely. This would be a big change for him and quite possibly something that at least at first, is uncomfortable for him.
Change is uncomfortable. Being transformed can be uncomfortable.
Today was exceptional, considering the time of the year, Lent, the sermon was about the gospel story of Jesus healing the man that was too lame to get into the pool. After being healed the man was commanded to take up his mat and walk. What the priest said was something I had not thought about before. That perhaps this man had a comfortable life, or at least a life he was used to. He knew what he was going to do for the last 38 years. And now all of a sudden he is healed and able to walk about freely. This would be a big change for him and quite possibly something that at least at first, is uncomfortable for him.
Change is uncomfortable. Being transformed can be uncomfortable.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Texas & Ohio
Obama or Clinton? So who is it going to be? I've been a Hillary guy all along but have never had a problem with Obama. Tonight holds a lot of answers. I think the answer will be Obama, but we don't know yet. We'll see.
Monday, March 3, 2008
I have had a few moments in the last couple of days to really put some thought into the idea of either the priesthood or the diaconate.
I failed to mention in my last post our bishop, in all his wonderful insight, has put a moratorium on people entering the discernment process. And he did this just a couple of weeks ago at our Diocesan convention. What good timing I have!
Actually, and my priest stated this, it gives us time. And I'm not in a rush. So time is good.
So I have some time to flesh out my ideas and interpretations of the offices of priest and deacon.
I failed to mention in my last post our bishop, in all his wonderful insight, has put a moratorium on people entering the discernment process. And he did this just a couple of weeks ago at our Diocesan convention. What good timing I have!
Actually, and my priest stated this, it gives us time. And I'm not in a rush. So time is good.
So I have some time to flesh out my ideas and interpretations of the offices of priest and deacon.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Meeting w/ my priest
I met with a priest at church today to talk about my discernment. It went well enough. This particular priest is so compassionate and pastoral in a one on one setting.
She immediately posed some questions that she said up front weren't fair questions but were questions that had to be asked. Why do you feel called? One of my responses was I felt a call to service. She asked, "Why in the church?" Why a priest?
Very pointed questions that cut straight to the heart of the matter that I really wasn't prepared for. But I think all in all, for an initial discussion I handled myself ok. I think now that I know how this process will go, as far as what types of questions I will be facing, I will be better prepared in the future.
So, immediately after our meeting I felt a great weight had been lifted. But then as the afternoon went on, I felt a great deal of anxiety. Anxiety over the seriousness of what I had done, this is a big deal. And I had contemplated most, if not all, of the aspects involved with this process. But hearing my priest talk about all of those issues brought a clear ray of light on all those issues and made them seem even larger than I had imagined. So the weight of that laid on me all day.
I'm feeling better now though. We'll see what happens. I have some homework: write a spiritual autobiography (which I've done twice before), and reading over the ordination services for each order of bishop, priest and deacon.
Now the fun begins.
She immediately posed some questions that she said up front weren't fair questions but were questions that had to be asked. Why do you feel called? One of my responses was I felt a call to service. She asked, "Why in the church?" Why a priest?
Very pointed questions that cut straight to the heart of the matter that I really wasn't prepared for. But I think all in all, for an initial discussion I handled myself ok. I think now that I know how this process will go, as far as what types of questions I will be facing, I will be better prepared in the future.
So, immediately after our meeting I felt a great weight had been lifted. But then as the afternoon went on, I felt a great deal of anxiety. Anxiety over the seriousness of what I had done, this is a big deal. And I had contemplated most, if not all, of the aspects involved with this process. But hearing my priest talk about all of those issues brought a clear ray of light on all those issues and made them seem even larger than I had imagined. So the weight of that laid on me all day.
I'm feeling better now though. We'll see what happens. I have some homework: write a spiritual autobiography (which I've done twice before), and reading over the ordination services for each order of bishop, priest and deacon.
Now the fun begins.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
San Joaquin electing a new bishop
The Living Church and other websites and blogs are reporting some great news, the Episcopal Diocese of San Joaquin will be holding an election for a new provisional bishop. This bishop is of course to replace the currently inhibited and soon to be deposed former Episcopal bishop Schofield of San Joaquin.
http://www.livingchurch.org/news/news-updates/2008/2/27/san-joaquin-provisional-bishop-election-march-29
http://www.livingchurch.org/news/news-updates/2008/2/27/san-joaquin-provisional-bishop-election-march-29
I've done it now
Well, I've done gone and done it. I called one of the priests at church today and am meeting with her on Friday to talk about my discernment. It was almost comical, I was as nervous about making the phone call as I was calling girls in high school to ask out for a date. As I look back on those years and see myself as a foolish teenager hopefully I will be able to look back on these current days and see myself as a scared, trembling little person seeking their place in God's church.
I was almost sick before I made the phone call. Magically I feel so much better afterwards. Even though there is still the conversation to have, I feel as if a weight has been lifted. I know my path now, where it will lead me I'm not sure, but I'm ok with that for now.
I was almost sick before I made the phone call. Magically I feel so much better afterwards. Even though there is still the conversation to have, I feel as if a weight has been lifted. I know my path now, where it will lead me I'm not sure, but I'm ok with that for now.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Coming to a head
I am feeling that some things in my life are coming to a head. Chiefly among them is my discernment process, more on that later.
Some things at work are building up, the next month or two are going to be quite busy.
My relationship with my partner. I feel we’re in a state of transition, it’s hard to explain but if neither of us decided to devote any time or energy into it, the relationship could take a bad turn. But I also see some really good signs that we can definitely move forward.
Back to my discernment process. As Sr. Kathy has told me, it’s time I made the move forward and actually talk to someone at church. I have plans to call a priest I know personally and meet with her, hopefully this week. I know I will have to talk to the Dean eventually, but I wanted to start with this certain priest since that is whom this all began with.
The idea of making the phone call isn’t that hard to envision, nor is sitting down and talking with her. But I know once the time actually comes it will be nerve wracking.
I know what I want to say and pretty much how I want to say it, lord knows I’ve been practicing while I’m driving. Unfortunately this is one time when I wished I spent more time in my car.
Today at church they hosted a Lenten quiet day, a series of presentations and time for quiet and meditation. I was only able to go to one. I went to one given by this particular priest, it was about living into joy. She spoke about how hard it is for people to truly live into joy and that part of the problem is we don’t truly live into God. We have to live into God and not ourselves before we can be truly joyous. We have to let go, to give up all of our pride and agendas and let God be our life.
Letting go of our agendas, our pride, our plans. This is something that is very hard for me to do. How am I to know that these thoughts, these feelings are God’s and not something my humanness has made up? And if it truly is from God, then how am I to let go of all my fears about change, the person I see myself as?
It’s all just a big mess right.
Trust. I need to trust in God and let myself go.
Some things at work are building up, the next month or two are going to be quite busy.
My relationship with my partner. I feel we’re in a state of transition, it’s hard to explain but if neither of us decided to devote any time or energy into it, the relationship could take a bad turn. But I also see some really good signs that we can definitely move forward.
Back to my discernment process. As Sr. Kathy has told me, it’s time I made the move forward and actually talk to someone at church. I have plans to call a priest I know personally and meet with her, hopefully this week. I know I will have to talk to the Dean eventually, but I wanted to start with this certain priest since that is whom this all began with.
The idea of making the phone call isn’t that hard to envision, nor is sitting down and talking with her. But I know once the time actually comes it will be nerve wracking.
I know what I want to say and pretty much how I want to say it, lord knows I’ve been practicing while I’m driving. Unfortunately this is one time when I wished I spent more time in my car.
Today at church they hosted a Lenten quiet day, a series of presentations and time for quiet and meditation. I was only able to go to one. I went to one given by this particular priest, it was about living into joy. She spoke about how hard it is for people to truly live into joy and that part of the problem is we don’t truly live into God. We have to live into God and not ourselves before we can be truly joyous. We have to let go, to give up all of our pride and agendas and let God be our life.
Letting go of our agendas, our pride, our plans. This is something that is very hard for me to do. How am I to know that these thoughts, these feelings are God’s and not something my humanness has made up? And if it truly is from God, then how am I to let go of all my fears about change, the person I see myself as?
It’s all just a big mess right.
Trust. I need to trust in God and let myself go.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Questioning (again)
I'm not sure what path I am on at this point. I have a directive from my spiritual director, if you will, to talk with a priest from church about my call to a vocation. At times I am very excited about this thought. I think it would relieve quite a bit of pressure off of me. Just voicing what I'm thinking and going through, to someone at church, would be a great comfort.
On the other hand, I am worried about what it all means. Putting myself forward will change how people view me within the church. That part is obvious I know but it weighs on me probably more than it should. I am concerned about having to live up to a certain standard. It may sound silly but I know how people are, especially after hearing stories of how people will complain about the quality of doughnuts on Sunday mornings, the service times, how one priest may occasionally stumble over a word here and there during the service. So how will people react to and look at someone whom they know to be in the discernment process?
I thought I had moved beyond being concerned how others look at me, but maybe I haven't.
On the other hand, I am worried about what it all means. Putting myself forward will change how people view me within the church. That part is obvious I know but it weighs on me probably more than it should. I am concerned about having to live up to a certain standard. It may sound silly but I know how people are, especially after hearing stories of how people will complain about the quality of doughnuts on Sunday mornings, the service times, how one priest may occasionally stumble over a word here and there during the service. So how will people react to and look at someone whom they know to be in the discernment process?
I thought I had moved beyond being concerned how others look at me, but maybe I haven't.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Alternative oversight?
There is some new discussion coming out about the idea of alternative oversight for bishops in the Episcopal Church who are not happy with the leadership of Bishop Schori. A link to a post about this on the blog Preludium is here:
http://anglicanfuture.blogspot.com/2008/02/communion-partners-some-light-on-matter.html
I really don't think this is a good idea. This whole idea just seems to be another way to undermine TEC. This opens the door for people to separate themselves and not participate in the life of the wider church because it is 'tainted'.
I am thinking more and more that it is time for everyone to bite the bullet and make the hard decisions. Let's get it over with I say and move on. Until we do it almost seems like we're prolonging the painful reality.
I'm all for staying in conversation and staying at the table but at this moment I'm thinking it's not getting us anywhere.
Of course I'm not settled, I may very well waffle and change course.
http://anglicanfuture.blogspot.com/2008/02/communion-partners-some-light-on-matter.html
I really don't think this is a good idea. This whole idea just seems to be another way to undermine TEC. This opens the door for people to separate themselves and not participate in the life of the wider church because it is 'tainted'.
I am thinking more and more that it is time for everyone to bite the bullet and make the hard decisions. Let's get it over with I say and move on. Until we do it almost seems like we're prolonging the painful reality.
I'm all for staying in conversation and staying at the table but at this moment I'm thinking it's not getting us anywhere.
Of course I'm not settled, I may very well waffle and change course.
One thing after another
I started off my day promptly by falling down our iced over steps leading from the house down to the deck. I was ok though, but not a pleasant thing nonetheless.
This little trip was to go to the backyard to clean up all of the dog 'messes'. We take turns cleaning everything up once or twice a week. It had been a solid week since the last clean up so there was plenty to pick up. And to boot our last poop scooper broke and the new one is basically worthless, so I had to use a plastic bag to pick it up all by hand. Did I mention the ground is frozen? Makes picking up the messes easier, but your fingers start to hurt and freeze up pretty quickly.
After that my partner wanted to go to Cracker Barrel because my parents are always giving me $10 gift cards to there. I pretty much refuse to go there because of their hiring policy towards gays and lesbians. It may have changed but still, I harbour ill feelings towards them.
Then it was off to Sam's Club. I despise Sam's Club. There are lots of good deals and it can be fun to try and find new things they have in. But, it's crazy on Saturday afternoons. People pushing flatbed carts loaded down with beef jerky, gallon drums of instant mashed potatoes, stopping in the middle of the isle. And then because they don't bag the groceries there, everything has to be loaded and unloaded individually. What a pain.
I thought Saturday's were supposed to be fun or at least relaxing.
This little trip was to go to the backyard to clean up all of the dog 'messes'. We take turns cleaning everything up once or twice a week. It had been a solid week since the last clean up so there was plenty to pick up. And to boot our last poop scooper broke and the new one is basically worthless, so I had to use a plastic bag to pick it up all by hand. Did I mention the ground is frozen? Makes picking up the messes easier, but your fingers start to hurt and freeze up pretty quickly.
After that my partner wanted to go to Cracker Barrel because my parents are always giving me $10 gift cards to there. I pretty much refuse to go there because of their hiring policy towards gays and lesbians. It may have changed but still, I harbour ill feelings towards them.
Then it was off to Sam's Club. I despise Sam's Club. There are lots of good deals and it can be fun to try and find new things they have in. But, it's crazy on Saturday afternoons. People pushing flatbed carts loaded down with beef jerky, gallon drums of instant mashed potatoes, stopping in the middle of the isle. And then because they don't bag the groceries there, everything has to be loaded and unloaded individually. What a pain.
I thought Saturday's were supposed to be fun or at least relaxing.
Friday, February 22, 2008
God's love
...I am a child of God
His light rains down upon me
His strength holds me up
His mercy envelops me
His love lifts me up
His presence gives me strength to do his will
His light rains down upon me
His strength holds me up
His mercy envelops me
His love lifts me up
His presence gives me strength to do his will
Friday thoughts
So today is Friday, I am so glad this week is over.
Work has been so busy. My boss is out due to surgery for at least another three weeks. We had a co-worker walk out last week. And to boot there are so many things going on this time of the year, it's really one of if not the busiest time of the year for us.
But now a respite, although I have work to do this weekend.
People at work (and their relatives) have been very ill. I've avoided it so far. In fact, I haven't been truly ill for a long long time. I take a series of vitamins and supplements everyday. I have friends who scoff at me for doing so, they say I'm overdoing it and it's a waste. I got to say though, I kind of like my vitamin regime and not being sick. I should also add I have never had a flu shot.
Work has been so busy. My boss is out due to surgery for at least another three weeks. We had a co-worker walk out last week. And to boot there are so many things going on this time of the year, it's really one of if not the busiest time of the year for us.
But now a respite, although I have work to do this weekend.
People at work (and their relatives) have been very ill. I've avoided it so far. In fact, I haven't been truly ill for a long long time. I take a series of vitamins and supplements everyday. I have friends who scoff at me for doing so, they say I'm overdoing it and it's a waste. I got to say though, I kind of like my vitamin regime and not being sick. I should also add I have never had a flu shot.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Crazy mix today
Today started off great, got up early, read my prayers, worked out, played with the dogs, did some things around the house and off to work.
Work was at first wonderfully busy (not hectic/crazy but had a good energy to it) but as the day went along I kept feeling more and more overwhelmed with new projects.
I went to the noon mass at my church, which is always refreshing. It's a small faithful group that shows up every Wednesday and it's very intimate. Today the person that heads up our eucharistic visitation program was there and we talked (I am one of the visitors) and he asked if I'd be willing to do it this weekend. Of course I was, and he seemed ever so grateful. It's always nice to feel like you are making someone else's job easier by doing something you really don't mind at all.
Then back to work and it was one crazy thing after another. So by the end of the day I had been through a little bit of chaos, lots of activity, and just enough spirituality to keep me going for a few more days.
After today I think I have a small idea of what life might be like if I were to end up in a religious profession.
Work was at first wonderfully busy (not hectic/crazy but had a good energy to it) but as the day went along I kept feeling more and more overwhelmed with new projects.
I went to the noon mass at my church, which is always refreshing. It's a small faithful group that shows up every Wednesday and it's very intimate. Today the person that heads up our eucharistic visitation program was there and we talked (I am one of the visitors) and he asked if I'd be willing to do it this weekend. Of course I was, and he seemed ever so grateful. It's always nice to feel like you are making someone else's job easier by doing something you really don't mind at all.
Then back to work and it was one crazy thing after another. So by the end of the day I had been through a little bit of chaos, lots of activity, and just enough spirituality to keep me going for a few more days.
After today I think I have a small idea of what life might be like if I were to end up in a religious profession.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Uganda threatens to take it's ball and go home
Uganda has decided to not go to Lambeth, now they are threatening to withdraw from the Anglican Communion.
As un-Christian as this is, I know I'm not the first to say, don't let the door hit ya....
http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2008/02/18/africa/AF-REL-Uganda-Anglicans.php
I wonder what all those congregations who aligned themselves with the Church of Uganda are thinking now? Especially since they originally split from TEC to go with Uganda in their grand (and delusional) hopes that they would be safe as a member of the Anglican Communion while TEC would be kicked out.
As un-Christian as this is, I know I'm not the first to say, don't let the door hit ya....
http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2008/02/18/africa/AF-REL-Uganda-Anglicans.php
I wonder what all those congregations who aligned themselves with the Church of Uganda are thinking now? Especially since they originally split from TEC to go with Uganda in their grand (and delusional) hopes that they would be safe as a member of the Anglican Communion while TEC would be kicked out.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Sunday night
I think I am exhausted, I'm not quite sure yet though.
What a weekend, was at the boat for a couple of days, had yesterday kind of off I guess but today had to get ready for my church group to meet here at the house. It's a small group, only 5 other people (one is currently on hiatus) and we meet once a month on a Sunday night. The theme of the group (there are two others out of our church) concerns reconciliation and healing. We mainly bond and talk about church type stuff sometimes, sometimes politics, books, or whatever crosses our mind. It's a great time, we all get along so well and feed into each other's sense of humor. We trade off meeting at each other's house and this month it was my turn.
Anyway I had to get ready for that, and now as I'm sitting here and it's over I can finally unwind. Throwing get togethers, no matter how informal do wear me out.
What a weekend, was at the boat for a couple of days, had yesterday kind of off I guess but today had to get ready for my church group to meet here at the house. It's a small group, only 5 other people (one is currently on hiatus) and we meet once a month on a Sunday night. The theme of the group (there are two others out of our church) concerns reconciliation and healing. We mainly bond and talk about church type stuff sometimes, sometimes politics, books, or whatever crosses our mind. It's a great time, we all get along so well and feed into each other's sense of humor. We trade off meeting at each other's house and this month it was my turn.
Anyway I had to get ready for that, and now as I'm sitting here and it's over I can finally unwind. Throwing get togethers, no matter how informal do wear me out.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Been at the boat
We spent the last couple of days down at the boat, got back this afternoon.
We have a little (I mean little) houseboat at a lake about an hour and a half from here. The boat itself is actually quite nice for what it is, it's basically a shed on pontoons, but my partner has put a ton of work into it. I would bet he has made it nicer than most anyone else would have been able to, short of pouring thousands of dollars into it. Not to mention the boat slip we have is incredible, we face a cove and have an unbelievable view, a view that people who own the $100,000+ houseboats down there would certainly be envious of. We don't have to leave the dock to have a good time, in fact we rarely do.
But, I am not a boat person, I'm not a huge fan of the water, and I'm not an outdoors type of guy either. Sounds like I'm a sissy right? Well not so really, I just have my preferences.
I do like being down there, once we're settled, especially during the winter months. That is because no one else is down there, the quietness is palpable.
There are always ducks swimming by, an occasional otter splashing about in the middle of the night. And my partner always makes sure to have great food to eat while down there. And we're gluttons for electronics, so we have our computers (although intermittent internet connection, esp during winter) and watch movies and drink wine, and during the day take hikes and what not.
But, I am always glad to get back home and stretch out.
We have a little (I mean little) houseboat at a lake about an hour and a half from here. The boat itself is actually quite nice for what it is, it's basically a shed on pontoons, but my partner has put a ton of work into it. I would bet he has made it nicer than most anyone else would have been able to, short of pouring thousands of dollars into it. Not to mention the boat slip we have is incredible, we face a cove and have an unbelievable view, a view that people who own the $100,000+ houseboats down there would certainly be envious of. We don't have to leave the dock to have a good time, in fact we rarely do.
But, I am not a boat person, I'm not a huge fan of the water, and I'm not an outdoors type of guy either. Sounds like I'm a sissy right? Well not so really, I just have my preferences.
I do like being down there, once we're settled, especially during the winter months. That is because no one else is down there, the quietness is palpable.
There are always ducks swimming by, an occasional otter splashing about in the middle of the night. And my partner always makes sure to have great food to eat while down there. And we're gluttons for electronics, so we have our computers (although intermittent internet connection, esp during winter) and watch movies and drink wine, and during the day take hikes and what not.
But, I am always glad to get back home and stretch out.
I'm taking my ball and going home!
Several primates have written a letter laying out their reasons why they will not be attending the Lambeth Conference.
First of all I am so sick and tired of hearing from these bigoted people, especially considering the fact they are activally trying to tear the Episcopal Church asunder.
Here is a link to their letter:
http://www.anglican-nig.org/main.php?k_j=12&d=156&p_t=index.php?
Here is a link to Father Jake's site which makes a funny and poignant point about the whole thing:
http://frjakestopstheworld.blogspot.com/2008/02/five-primates-of-global-south-confirm.html
As Fr. Jake points out, I guess this does really boil down to a case of the gay cooties.
I know I'm naive about somethings, esp human nature, but I thought we were all Christians and would put aside our differences to come together for fellowship and more importantly the sharing of the Eucharist.
Guess not.
What a joke.
Pray for the church.
First of all I am so sick and tired of hearing from these bigoted people, especially considering the fact they are activally trying to tear the Episcopal Church asunder.
Here is a link to their letter:
http://www.anglican-nig.org/main.php?k_j=12&d=156&p_t=index.php?
Here is a link to Father Jake's site which makes a funny and poignant point about the whole thing:
http://frjakestopstheworld.blogspot.com/2008/02/five-primates-of-global-south-confirm.html
As Fr. Jake points out, I guess this does really boil down to a case of the gay cooties.
I know I'm naive about somethings, esp human nature, but I thought we were all Christians and would put aside our differences to come together for fellowship and more importantly the sharing of the Eucharist.
Guess not.
What a joke.
Pray for the church.
My next step
From my meeting with my spiritual director on Thursday came that I need to actually make the first big step and speak with someone at church about my call.
I knew this was coming, in fact, our meetings have been narrowing down to it. It's almost as if we've started to run out of things to talk about, she's given me praying and meditation exercises to do and most of the big topics have been covered. I don't want to pay myself on the back but I have approached this process with an open, humble and questioning mind. I am thinking that has spurred the process on a little more.
How ironic is it that being unsure of oneself would push you further down a particular path?
I read somewhere that God doesn't call you because you are ready, He calls you because He has a plan for you. Or something to that effect. The idea being that just because you don't have the particular skillset for a task doesn't mean you aren't called to that, God wants you there and you will learn what you need to know.
So my task now is to make the phone call and set up a meeting with a priest at church. I'm meeting with my spiritual director the week before holy week, I should have met with my priest by then.
This is all exciting and I have to say, anxiety inducing.
I knew this was coming, in fact, our meetings have been narrowing down to it. It's almost as if we've started to run out of things to talk about, she's given me praying and meditation exercises to do and most of the big topics have been covered. I don't want to pay myself on the back but I have approached this process with an open, humble and questioning mind. I am thinking that has spurred the process on a little more.
How ironic is it that being unsure of oneself would push you further down a particular path?
I read somewhere that God doesn't call you because you are ready, He calls you because He has a plan for you. Or something to that effect. The idea being that just because you don't have the particular skillset for a task doesn't mean you aren't called to that, God wants you there and you will learn what you need to know.
So my task now is to make the phone call and set up a meeting with a priest at church. I'm meeting with my spiritual director the week before holy week, I should have met with my priest by then.
This is all exciting and I have to say, anxiety inducing.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
The dogs
Here are the kids.
Yes, like a lot of messed up animal lovers, we refer to our pets as kids. No apologies here though.
We *love* our dogs. They are the best. Our previous dog was the center of our life because his love was unconditional. Now we have that X 2. So forgive us.
Regardless, these two dogs, Kaiser and Zelda are quite the pair. Crazy, playful, full of puppyness, full of affection.
Yes, like a lot of messed up animal lovers, we refer to our pets as kids. No apologies here though.
We *love* our dogs. They are the best. Our previous dog was the center of our life because his love was unconditional. Now we have that X 2. So forgive us.
Regardless, these two dogs, Kaiser and Zelda are quite the pair. Crazy, playful, full of puppyness, full of affection.
Spiritual direction
I'm meeting with my spiritual director on Thursday and as these meetings draw closer, I tend to find myself searching for some meaningful things to say, some spiritual insights that are of great significance.
After the actual meeting I am reminded that such thoughts are quite silly. Although I feel as if these meetings are a sort of testing of my spiritual aptitude and worthiness, they are really just a tool to help assess my spiritual development.
Still sounds like some mamby pamby stuff to gloss over the fact it's still a step on my way to the priesthood. But oh well.
So, since my last meeting I have succeeded in missing church just about as much as I have attended, I have skipped my bible study group for the majority of the time, I have felt spiritually, emotionally and relationship-wise, quite inept.
But yet feel like I'm on the upswing.
So where does that leave me?
I don't have the slightest idea.
After the actual meeting I am reminded that such thoughts are quite silly. Although I feel as if these meetings are a sort of testing of my spiritual aptitude and worthiness, they are really just a tool to help assess my spiritual development.
Still sounds like some mamby pamby stuff to gloss over the fact it's still a step on my way to the priesthood. But oh well.
So, since my last meeting I have succeeded in missing church just about as much as I have attended, I have skipped my bible study group for the majority of the time, I have felt spiritually, emotionally and relationship-wise, quite inept.
But yet feel like I'm on the upswing.
So where does that leave me?
I don't have the slightest idea.
Obama
Looks like Obama is sweeping the 'Potomac Primary'.
I've never been against Obama, just for Hillary. It looks like the tide is seriously turning in Obama's favor though.
So as the days and primaries go on, I continue to give more thought as to who I want for president and who I think would be able to win the general election.
I love his speeches and what he says and Obama is becoming the clear decision, but I will reserve my own personal judgment for now.
I've never been against Obama, just for Hillary. It looks like the tide is seriously turning in Obama's favor though.
So as the days and primaries go on, I continue to give more thought as to who I want for president and who I think would be able to win the general election.
I love his speeches and what he says and Obama is becoming the clear decision, but I will reserve my own personal judgment for now.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
,
Today has been full, church of course, and when I got home I found that my partner had been out shopping and bought a new computer. He couldn't stand that I had a new one and so had to go get a new one of his own. I say that jokingly of course. I'm happy he decided to do that.
I have been busy updating lots of stuff, cleaning house and what not, so today has been quite busier than expected.
I have been busy updating lots of stuff, cleaning house and what not, so today has been quite busier than expected.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Random Sat stuff
Today has been weird. I love Saturdays, I can do whatever I want Friday night and not have to worry about getting up Sat morning for anything.
But today just seemed to go by so fast.
By the time I was settled and ready to get my day started, my partner's sister was wanting to go to a local animal rescue place to drop off some money we all donated.
So we all went out there. This place rescues all sorts of wild animals (w0lves, lions, etc) plus some local wild animals, deers that have been hit by cars, pot bellied pigs that have been abandoned, plus some various kinds of monkeys and other animals I cannot begin to explain how they got there.
It was an interesting experience. They had been reaching out to the community because some recent storms had devastated the place , fencing had been torn, other resources had been leveled.
By the time we got there most things had been restored, but we were glad to donate money.
But today just seemed to go by so fast.
By the time I was settled and ready to get my day started, my partner's sister was wanting to go to a local animal rescue place to drop off some money we all donated.
So we all went out there. This place rescues all sorts of wild animals (w0lves, lions, etc) plus some local wild animals, deers that have been hit by cars, pot bellied pigs that have been abandoned, plus some various kinds of monkeys and other animals I cannot begin to explain how they got there.
It was an interesting experience. They had been reaching out to the community because some recent storms had devastated the place , fencing had been torn, other resources had been leveled.
By the time we got there most things had been restored, but we were glad to donate money.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Lenten disciplines
From RevGalBlogPals blog: (here is the link to the site http://revgalblogpals.blogspot.com/
1. Did you celebrate Mardi Gras and/or Ash Wednesday this week? How?
Yes but not in the typical fashion. I love going to the Ash Wednesday service, and whenever I'm happy and in a good spiritual state I feel like celebrating.
We had a couple of bottles of wine, celebrated my good fortune in receiving a brand new computer, our luck, our love, our dogs.
We did have fish for dinner though as I've given up meat for Lent.
2. What was your most memorable Mardi Gras/Ash Wednesday/Lent?
A couple of years ago when I was preparing to be baptized and enter the church. It was such a meaningful period of prayer and penitence. I prayed the chaplet of divine mercy and the penitential psalms almost daily and did my first confession, which was difficult to say the least, but very rewarding.
3. Did you/your church/your family celebrate Lent as a child? If not, when and how did you discover it?
Not at all, I didn't discover Lent until I joined the Episcopal church.
4. Are you more in the give-up camp, or the take-on camp, or somewhere in between?
Take-on camp for the most part.
5. How do you plan to keep Lent this year?
I am trying to give up meat. Because I think it's right, but also because it's very hard for me so it's a good discipline.
I have also taken up reciting the chaplet of divine mercy every day as well as reading the penitential psalms as much as I can.
In addition, I am trying to examine myself for my faults (which are many unfortunately). I don't want to say I am wallowing, but I think an idea close to that is ok for a period. I know the light is there and it will come to me. It's that hope that keeps me going.
1. Did you celebrate Mardi Gras and/or Ash Wednesday this week? How?
Yes but not in the typical fashion. I love going to the Ash Wednesday service, and whenever I'm happy and in a good spiritual state I feel like celebrating.
We had a couple of bottles of wine, celebrated my good fortune in receiving a brand new computer, our luck, our love, our dogs.
We did have fish for dinner though as I've given up meat for Lent.
2. What was your most memorable Mardi Gras/Ash Wednesday/Lent?
A couple of years ago when I was preparing to be baptized and enter the church. It was such a meaningful period of prayer and penitence. I prayed the chaplet of divine mercy and the penitential psalms almost daily and did my first confession, which was difficult to say the least, but very rewarding.
3. Did you/your church/your family celebrate Lent as a child? If not, when and how did you discover it?
Not at all, I didn't discover Lent until I joined the Episcopal church.
4. Are you more in the give-up camp, or the take-on camp, or somewhere in between?
Take-on camp for the most part.
5. How do you plan to keep Lent this year?
I am trying to give up meat. Because I think it's right, but also because it's very hard for me so it's a good discipline.
I have also taken up reciting the chaplet of divine mercy every day as well as reading the penitential psalms as much as I can.
In addition, I am trying to examine myself for my faults (which are many unfortunately). I don't want to say I am wallowing, but I think an idea close to that is ok for a period. I know the light is there and it will come to me. It's that hope that keeps me going.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Moving into Lent
Lent is here. The service of Ash Wednesday is one of my favorite services of the year. I always go to the noon service, and there is just something about being there, at that time of day, with the cantor chanting the 51st psalm, the kneeling, the ashes, etc. It is very moving for me.
So as I move into Lent, my spiritual life changes. I am grateful for the early arrival this year, which some people are not happy for. But it's almost a saving grace for me.
I have felt so lost and incredibly disgusted with my spiritual devotion the last month and a half to two months.
The early arrival is perfect for me.
Besides the fact I enjoy Lent more than any other liturgical season anyway, this particular year holds great importance for me.
So as I move into Lent, my spiritual life changes. I am grateful for the early arrival this year, which some people are not happy for. But it's almost a saving grace for me.
I have felt so lost and incredibly disgusted with my spiritual devotion the last month and a half to two months.
The early arrival is perfect for me.
Besides the fact I enjoy Lent more than any other liturgical season anyway, this particular year holds great importance for me.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Ash Wednesday
Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, one of, if not my favorite liturgical day of the church year.
Sounds odd I know. But in my first year in coming into the church I attended my first ever Ash Wednesday service. I was amazed by the reverance, the service, the penitance.
I was so moved and humbled.
It is a day to remember the days in ancient times when people would seek redemption by adopting 'sackcloth and ashes'.
So tomorrow we accept the ashes as a sign of our wanting repentance. Our humbling before God for forgiveness.
I actually can't wait for tomorrow.
Sounds odd I know. But in my first year in coming into the church I attended my first ever Ash Wednesday service. I was amazed by the reverance, the service, the penitance.
I was so moved and humbled.
It is a day to remember the days in ancient times when people would seek redemption by adopting 'sackcloth and ashes'.
So tomorrow we accept the ashes as a sign of our wanting repentance. Our humbling before God for forgiveness.
I actually can't wait for tomorrow.
Oh happy day
Much as a tide turns in a political election, the tide has turned in my favor for the moment.
Last night I went back to my bible class. Not only were people not upset with me, they were incredibly glad to have me back. They love me, they really love me, lol. I guess I had a sense ,of expecting the worse...
Today work was hectic, overwhelming but incredibly rewarding. I got so much done, I felt back in my stride at work.
Then comes my computer. My computer had been sent off, it was determined a total failiure had happened by Gateway. This was in addition to the harddrive failure that happened a few months ago, when they had replaced the hard drive.
Thank God for warranties!
So lacking a total failure of the system, the voice message I received said the unit would be replaced.
I tried calling, to no effect, so I didn't know what to expect.
Today my computer arrives and my partner calls me.
It's a brand new computer! For non-computer geeks I cannot express the joy and shock in this.
I wanted to expect this since my laptop was over two years old and was a total loss, I just expected a corporation to be too greedy to actually send me a brand new computer.
Ok, my day and week has been made.
I needed some good stuff!
Last night I went back to my bible class. Not only were people not upset with me, they were incredibly glad to have me back. They love me, they really love me, lol. I guess I had a sense ,of expecting the worse...
Today work was hectic, overwhelming but incredibly rewarding. I got so much done, I felt back in my stride at work.
Then comes my computer. My computer had been sent off, it was determined a total failiure had happened by Gateway. This was in addition to the harddrive failure that happened a few months ago, when they had replaced the hard drive.
Thank God for warranties!
So lacking a total failure of the system, the voice message I received said the unit would be replaced.
I tried calling, to no effect, so I didn't know what to expect.
Today my computer arrives and my partner calls me.
It's a brand new computer! For non-computer geeks I cannot express the joy and shock in this.
I wanted to expect this since my laptop was over two years old and was a total loss, I just expected a corporation to be too greedy to actually send me a brand new computer.
Ok, my day and week has been made.
I needed some good stuff!
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Thoughts on the election
Geez, sometimes I feel so schizo. I have been giving more thought to Obama in the last day or so.
In a conversation with a co-worker who supports Obama, I suddenly felt like I had the ability to support him. Like before I had been holding back because I questioned his experience and resolve.
Of course that is not to say I haven't been caught up in his oratorial skills. His speeches inspire the soul and excite the imagination. But I have resisted him so far because of the apparent lack of details in his message.
As I have searched more for answers and talked to more people I am becoming more satisified with the idea of Obama.
With all that said, I'm still a Hillary guy, 100%. We'll see how things play out, but I think we *need* a female president. And I would love a black vice-president.
In a conversation with a co-worker who supports Obama, I suddenly felt like I had the ability to support him. Like before I had been holding back because I questioned his experience and resolve.
Of course that is not to say I haven't been caught up in his oratorial skills. His speeches inspire the soul and excite the imagination. But I have resisted him so far because of the apparent lack of details in his message.
As I have searched more for answers and talked to more people I am becoming more satisified with the idea of Obama.
With all that said, I'm still a Hillary guy, 100%. We'll see how things play out, but I think we *need* a female president. And I would love a black vice-president.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Today
Today was better than most I suppose. All of the management were at an off-site meeting at work, so work actually approached a level of peacefulness.
The weather here today was crap, but that's ok, it's Friday so not all is bad.
A fire is lit and we are watching The Constant Gardener. The dogs are playful. The weekend is ahead, the worries of the past week are long gone.
The weather here today was crap, but that's ok, it's Friday so not all is bad.
A fire is lit and we are watching The Constant Gardener. The dogs are playful. The weekend is ahead, the worries of the past week are long gone.
Former Standing Committee of the DSJ responds
Looks like the former Standing Committee of the Diocese of San Joaquin is a little ticked.
http://www.livingchurch.org/news/news-updates/2008/2/1/episcopal-diocese-of-san-joaquin-responds-to-presiding-bishop
But I have to wonder, they were a part of the diocese voting to leave The Episcopal Church, so they were part and parcel of that decision by virtue of going along with it. If they disagreed with their bishop they needed to make a stand. Because they didn't it can only be assumed they went along with the decision to disassociate from TEC. And so, why on earth are they mad? How in hell do they feel they have the standing to be so indignant?
It's beyond me. I think they're crazy and their threats to the Presiding Bishop border on insanity.
They should expect to be removed from their positions in short order.
If people want out of TEC, then get the heck out. But quit trying to destroy something so many love, on your way out.
http://www.livingchurch.org/news/news-updates/2008/2/1/episcopal-diocese-of-san-joaquin-responds-to-presiding-bishop
But I have to wonder, they were a part of the diocese voting to leave The Episcopal Church, so they were part and parcel of that decision by virtue of going along with it. If they disagreed with their bishop they needed to make a stand. Because they didn't it can only be assumed they went along with the decision to disassociate from TEC. And so, why on earth are they mad? How in hell do they feel they have the standing to be so indignant?
It's beyond me. I think they're crazy and their threats to the Presiding Bishop border on insanity.
They should expect to be removed from their positions in short order.
If people want out of TEC, then get the heck out. But quit trying to destroy something so many love, on your way out.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
What's up with me?
I counted it and I've missed church 4 of the last 6 Sundays. I have attended the noon service on Wednesdays here and there in that time frame, but it's not the same as Sundays.
For someone who considers themself in the beginning stages of the discernment process, that is unheard of. Sunday attendance is a given for most, especially any who fancy themselves as being called to the service of God.
So why is that? I hate to think I'm getting burned out with church, but maybe that is happening to an extent. I've been lax in my volunteer duties, board meetings, etc.
I think it began back in Advent, I know the causes for the most part. And they are mostly gone, it's just recovering from the effects.
So now I'm headed into Lent like a freight train (it begins next Wednesday). And seeing as how Lent is my favorite liturgical period of the church year, I need to get my ass in line.
For someone who considers themself in the beginning stages of the discernment process, that is unheard of. Sunday attendance is a given for most, especially any who fancy themselves as being called to the service of God.
So why is that? I hate to think I'm getting burned out with church, but maybe that is happening to an extent. I've been lax in my volunteer duties, board meetings, etc.
I think it began back in Advent, I know the causes for the most part. And they are mostly gone, it's just recovering from the effects.
So now I'm headed into Lent like a freight train (it begins next Wednesday). And seeing as how Lent is my favorite liturgical period of the church year, I need to get my ass in line.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Pittsburgh cracks
As others are reporting, there are some cracks appearing in the schismatic diocese of Pittsburgh.
The story is linked below.
This illustrates the fact the people who tend to come together based on something they are against, rather than than something the are for, continue to schism and schism and schism.
Hatred, as it were, tends to breed hatred.
Here's the link (to Fr. Jake's site):
http://frjakestopstheworld.blogspot.com/2008/01/cracks-appear-in-pittsburgh.html
May we all pray for the faithful Episcopalians in this diocese.
The story is linked below.
This illustrates the fact the people who tend to come together based on something they are against, rather than than something the are for, continue to schism and schism and schism.
Hatred, as it were, tends to breed hatred.
Here's the link (to Fr. Jake's site):
http://frjakestopstheworld.blogspot.com/2008/01/cracks-appear-in-pittsburgh.html
May we all pray for the faithful Episcopalians in this diocese.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
God's presence
At what points in our lives do we feel God?
There are various points within my day I pray. But that doesn't necessarily mean I feel God's presence. My spiritual director says those moments are purely acts of love.
But how often, especially outside of prayer, do I feel God's presence? On my best days I try to see Him in all things, from the conversation with the co-worker who always seems depressed, the sound of the wind blowing through the trees, my dogs bum-rushing me as I enter the door after a long day at work. He is everywhere and is in everything we experience. Our challenge is to recognize that.
So here I am, knowing that, but yet not feeling it always. Knowing is much easier than being.
There are various points within my day I pray. But that doesn't necessarily mean I feel God's presence. My spiritual director says those moments are purely acts of love.
But how often, especially outside of prayer, do I feel God's presence? On my best days I try to see Him in all things, from the conversation with the co-worker who always seems depressed, the sound of the wind blowing through the trees, my dogs bum-rushing me as I enter the door after a long day at work. He is everywhere and is in everything we experience. Our challenge is to recognize that.
So here I am, knowing that, but yet not feeling it always. Knowing is much easier than being.
Caught in a funk
It’s been quite awhile since I’ve been in as big of a funk as I have been the last few days. But at least I know why, here’s the litany of reasons:
My best friend at work is being made a supervisor in my area and I will eventually be reporting to her. I’m very ok with that except for the fact that out of necessity our relationship will change. We won’t be able to be so chummy, talking about the people at work that drives us crazy. She’s also been an incredible source of information within the department and company in general, filling me in on the goings on. That will definitely be changing as well.
And, to be perfectly honest, my partner and I kept the candle lit at both ends just a bit much over the weekend. Besides not feeling the best physically, I’m not real happy for allowing myself to do that.
We also fought again over the weekend. I don’t have the energy to go into that right now.
And I pretty much got a big talking to last night from my martial arts instructor, basically telling me I’m wasting my time because I’m ignoring the most basic of stuff, and making me feel like I’m wasting his time in the process. And the really painful part for me is I already knew this. This was the second time he’s had to do this. I am really upset with myself for that. I used to be so into my martial arts classes, tirelessly practicing and trying to get better. Now I just feel like a chump.
I have also continued to skip a class I’m taking at church. Why I don’t know. Actually I do, it’s laziness, it’s being tired, and the class is on Mondays which is really the only day of the week that works for me, but in the end it just really doesn’t work at all. I feel bad for skipping so much.
I also have not been very devoted to the board meetings of the soup kitchen I sit on.
So all in all I’m feeling kind of down on myself, there are so many areas of my life I don’t feel like I’m succeeding in. I know what I need to do to get better it’s just actually making those steps.
And to boot, it’s been pouring rain all day and it’s gloomy as hell.
Have I taken on too much? I don’t like feeling like this but there isn’t one area of my life going well right now.
My best friend at work is being made a supervisor in my area and I will eventually be reporting to her. I’m very ok with that except for the fact that out of necessity our relationship will change. We won’t be able to be so chummy, talking about the people at work that drives us crazy. She’s also been an incredible source of information within the department and company in general, filling me in on the goings on. That will definitely be changing as well.
And, to be perfectly honest, my partner and I kept the candle lit at both ends just a bit much over the weekend. Besides not feeling the best physically, I’m not real happy for allowing myself to do that.
We also fought again over the weekend. I don’t have the energy to go into that right now.
And I pretty much got a big talking to last night from my martial arts instructor, basically telling me I’m wasting my time because I’m ignoring the most basic of stuff, and making me feel like I’m wasting his time in the process. And the really painful part for me is I already knew this. This was the second time he’s had to do this. I am really upset with myself for that. I used to be so into my martial arts classes, tirelessly practicing and trying to get better. Now I just feel like a chump.
I have also continued to skip a class I’m taking at church. Why I don’t know. Actually I do, it’s laziness, it’s being tired, and the class is on Mondays which is really the only day of the week that works for me, but in the end it just really doesn’t work at all. I feel bad for skipping so much.
I also have not been very devoted to the board meetings of the soup kitchen I sit on.
So all in all I’m feeling kind of down on myself, there are so many areas of my life I don’t feel like I’m succeeding in. I know what I need to do to get better it’s just actually making those steps.
And to boot, it’s been pouring rain all day and it’s gloomy as hell.
Have I taken on too much? I don’t like feeling like this but there isn’t one area of my life going well right now.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Opinion on the covenant, from Canada
From the Anglican Church in Canada, an opinion piece about not rushing the Anglican Covenant.
http://www.vancouver.anglican.ca/News/tabid/27/ctl/ViewArticle/ArticleId/615/mid/486/Default.aspx
I've wondered for a while how on earth did the idea for an Anglican Covenant gather such steam so quickly? Who really pushed for this besides the Archbishop of Canterbury?
It is heartening to know that other churches within the Anglican Communion are rejecting the idea. Canada, New Zealand, Wales, Scotland and others. As it should be since the covenant is intended mainly as an instrument of exclusion to try and satisfy the right-wingers within the communion.
http://www.vancouver.anglican.ca/News/tabid/27/ctl/ViewArticle/ArticleId/615/mid/486/Default.aspx
I've wondered for a while how on earth did the idea for an Anglican Covenant gather such steam so quickly? Who really pushed for this besides the Archbishop of Canterbury?
It is heartening to know that other churches within the Anglican Communion are rejecting the idea. Canada, New Zealand, Wales, Scotland and others. As it should be since the covenant is intended mainly as an instrument of exclusion to try and satisfy the right-wingers within the communion.
Obama's win in SC
With Obama's impressive victory last night, the possibility of him becoming the democratic nominee for president has once again become not just realistic, but bordering on probable.
The wave of momentum he enjoyed after Iowa is again surging.
I used to be a huge Obama fan, I still like him too. The only problem I have with him is his lack of experience. But, we've had such a miserable excuse for a president the last eight years, the only place to go is up.
The thing is, while the debates were heating up I became a huge fan of Hillary. Truth be told, I've always liked Hillary. And the main reason is this: her very existence pisses off Republicans. Ever since she came on to the national scene with Bill, right-wingers have hated her.
So I'm more than a little concerned. And what I really don't get are these charges of racially motivated attacks. I have listened to the accusations of the use of 'code' words and other racially charged language. I have tried to understand but I just don't see it. Yes, there have been attacks made, but that's what happens in politics. If you can't stand to be bloodied and are unable to dish it out, then maybe politics wasn't what you were really cut out for. I'm not saying Obama thinks that way but his supporters definitely do. Really people, lets not be so sensitive.
With all that said, if Obama does win the nomination I will fully support him. I do like his message I'm just not caught up in the hoopla.
The wave of momentum he enjoyed after Iowa is again surging.
I used to be a huge Obama fan, I still like him too. The only problem I have with him is his lack of experience. But, we've had such a miserable excuse for a president the last eight years, the only place to go is up.
The thing is, while the debates were heating up I became a huge fan of Hillary. Truth be told, I've always liked Hillary. And the main reason is this: her very existence pisses off Republicans. Ever since she came on to the national scene with Bill, right-wingers have hated her.
So I'm more than a little concerned. And what I really don't get are these charges of racially motivated attacks. I have listened to the accusations of the use of 'code' words and other racially charged language. I have tried to understand but I just don't see it. Yes, there have been attacks made, but that's what happens in politics. If you can't stand to be bloodied and are unable to dish it out, then maybe politics wasn't what you were really cut out for. I'm not saying Obama thinks that way but his supporters definitely do. Really people, lets not be so sensitive.
With all that said, if Obama does win the nomination I will fully support him. I do like his message I'm just not caught up in the hoopla.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Sorting some stuff out
I've been thinking a lot lately about the compatibility of the priesthood and homosexuality. Obviously this (more specifically the role of bishops) has been a major point of contention within the Anglican Communion and The Episcopal Church.
I feel there is a stumbling block between any discernment I might have and any issue with sexuality that other people might have.
So, considering the contention some people have of biblical interpretation, I have to honor that on some level. That is because I interpret the Bible in a certain way that is at odds with a lot of people, so if someone else interprets it in a certain way I feel obligated to honor that, even though I may disagree with them. It is because I am open to the fact that different people can and will interpret the Bible in different ways.
But in the end I would hope we could all live together in some sort of relationship. Other people (always the hard conservatives) feel otherwise. They feel the need to ostracize gay people and separate themselves from anyone that accepts them.
So where does that leave me? In some ways it discourages me. It's disheartening to know that the church you are a part of and feel a longing to be a leader in, is going through these struggles. On the other hand it is very encouraging. It gives me strength to know I have the capacity to minister to people in the church who may feel like I do, even disenfranchised. Because, not in spite of, my sexual orientation, but because, I may have the capacity to do even greater good.
Ok, so I'm getting a little ahead of myself. But, I'm still sorting this all out.
I feel there is a stumbling block between any discernment I might have and any issue with sexuality that other people might have.
So, considering the contention some people have of biblical interpretation, I have to honor that on some level. That is because I interpret the Bible in a certain way that is at odds with a lot of people, so if someone else interprets it in a certain way I feel obligated to honor that, even though I may disagree with them. It is because I am open to the fact that different people can and will interpret the Bible in different ways.
But in the end I would hope we could all live together in some sort of relationship. Other people (always the hard conservatives) feel otherwise. They feel the need to ostracize gay people and separate themselves from anyone that accepts them.
So where does that leave me? In some ways it discourages me. It's disheartening to know that the church you are a part of and feel a longing to be a leader in, is going through these struggles. On the other hand it is very encouraging. It gives me strength to know I have the capacity to minister to people in the church who may feel like I do, even disenfranchised. Because, not in spite of, my sexual orientation, but because, I may have the capacity to do even greater good.
Ok, so I'm getting a little ahead of myself. But, I'm still sorting this all out.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Being prepared
I read an article in a magazine I subscribe to (a mainstream health magazine) that gave some suggestions for surviving during during a disaster. So... I have decided to start and try to be equipped in case something, anything happens (tornado, earthquake, etc, not to mention anything more serious, terrorist attack, war, whatever). It may be a little reactionary, but what's the harm in having hand crank radios and MREs on hand, the Mormons do, right?
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Some links
I can't possibly keep up with all the goings on in the world of Episcopal/Anglican goings on.
So I direct anyone who happens to read this site to the following sites who cover things much better than I could ever hope to:
http://www.thinkinganglicans.org.uk/
http://frjakestopstheworld.blogspot.com/
http://anglicanfuture.blogspot.com/
http://episcopalchurch.typepad.com/episcope/
So I direct anyone who happens to read this site to the following sites who cover things much better than I could ever hope to:
http://www.thinkinganglicans.org.uk/
http://frjakestopstheworld.blogspot.com/
http://anglicanfuture.blogspot.com/
http://episcopalchurch.typepad.com/episcope/
Small Town Gay Bar
We watched this documentary by the name of 'Small Town Gay Bar'.
It hits so very close to home.
Without going into a lot of details it basically followed the life of a gay bar in the very small town of Meridian, Mississippi.
I would like to say much hilarity ensued, but that's not the case.
Life is incredibly hard for gay people in small towns. Actually it can be very hard for gay people in any size town.
There is gay bashing, lynching, murder etc. But in the movie there was also some hope. However little they have to hang onto, the gay people there have one bar where they can congregate. It is there they can be themselves. They can relax. They don't have to worry about others.
My own experience is different. But I can say this, there is a reason a gay bar becomes the centerpiece of the gay community. It's the only place people can come together safely.
It hits so very close to home.
Without going into a lot of details it basically followed the life of a gay bar in the very small town of Meridian, Mississippi.
I would like to say much hilarity ensued, but that's not the case.
Life is incredibly hard for gay people in small towns. Actually it can be very hard for gay people in any size town.
There is gay bashing, lynching, murder etc. But in the movie there was also some hope. However little they have to hang onto, the gay people there have one bar where they can congregate. It is there they can be themselves. They can relax. They don't have to worry about others.
My own experience is different. But I can say this, there is a reason a gay bar becomes the centerpiece of the gay community. It's the only place people can come together safely.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Today
What a day.
Work was intense because I was covering for a co-worker.
Managed to work out.
It's getting very cold here.
We watched a documentary called "Small Town Gay Bar". It was very moving and sometimes very emotional.
Work was intense because I was covering for a co-worker.
Managed to work out.
It's getting very cold here.
We watched a documentary called "Small Town Gay Bar". It was very moving and sometimes very emotional.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Today at work
Today at work was crap
Covering for people while they're on vacation is never fun
The weather here isn't very good either, gloomy, a little rainy, and getting really cold this weekend
I still managed to listen to God today, in my own small way
My muscles ached all day from doing yoga yesterday (the first time I'd done it in a couple of months)
Karate class was awesome tonight, the highlight of my day - my instructor was impressed with me for once
The dogs are playing now
Covering for people while they're on vacation is never fun
The weather here isn't very good either, gloomy, a little rainy, and getting really cold this weekend
I still managed to listen to God today, in my own small way
My muscles ached all day from doing yoga yesterday (the first time I'd done it in a couple of months)
Karate class was awesome tonight, the highlight of my day - my instructor was impressed with me for once
The dogs are playing now
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Finding some meaning
I’m in one of those modes where I’m questioning my so-called ‘calling’, my involvement in the church, indeed even my attendance at church.
If one takes time to examine the world and put some thought to its existence, purpose, hope, future, then someone could easily take a very dim view of it all.
On the one hand, we are all basically specks of dust, flitting about, trying to extract meaning out of an existence filled with some joy, yes, but also plenty of pain, sorrow and ultimately death. And we’re all stranded on this ball of mud, hurtling through the cosmos unsure of the vast majority of everything that surrounds this beautiful but yet impossibly small in the grand scheme of things and seemingly insignificant, planet.
What assurances do we have? What promises? What do we know for certain? How can our religion, our faith be so solid as to resist all of these questions and uncertainties?
I don’t know that I have any answers, I don’t know if I can ever attain them. I will start with some things I do know.
I know I was fortunate enough to be born into a family that loves me very much. I had a wonderful childhood, unlike others I know. I have had a fortunate life. I don’t mean fortunate where I have lucked into a lot of money, or an easy life when it comes to relationships, jobs etc. In fact I’ve had a couple of serious medical issues in my lifetime, one of them life-threatening. Until my current relationship I had terrible luck with picking insecure, demanding, possessive and unstable people to be in relationships with and seemingly brushing aside anyone who would have provided something more real.
But through it all I have somehow managed to come through, usually the better off and with an attitude that instead of belying bitterness, instead embraces the new opportunities and relishes the lessons learned. In that, I have been very fortunate.
I also know I feel love. I feel love from my partner, I feel love from my dogs, I feel love from my friends and family, I feel love from my co-workers. But for myself, I feel love towards all those people, I feel love towards people I don’t even know. When the tsunami hit southeast Asia, when Hurricane Katrina hit the U.S., when the bridge collapsed in Minnesota, I cried genuine tears of sorrow and compassion. I don’t say these things to pat myself on the back, but I know that by virtue of these things, I know I have emotion in my heart. I know a lot of other people do; I hope everyone does, at least on some level.
So what does love mean? Why have compassion towards fellow human beings? If all we are are animals doing nothing more than to survive, why care about anyone else but ourselves?
I believe love comes from God. As the Bible says, “God is love.” It also goes on to say “He who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.”
A pretty simple statement on the surface, but love really isn’t simple at all when you get down to it. Love is hard. We should all know that. But that tangent is for another time.
Some may not hold much credence in the Bible. I still have questions about it and don’t think it is a book to always be taken literally. But I do know I learn from it that love exists, God is love, and God (love) is in the world.
That is something to latch on to. That gives meaning to these specks of dust flitting about. On this cold, gray January afternoon, that is enough for me.
If one takes time to examine the world and put some thought to its existence, purpose, hope, future, then someone could easily take a very dim view of it all.
On the one hand, we are all basically specks of dust, flitting about, trying to extract meaning out of an existence filled with some joy, yes, but also plenty of pain, sorrow and ultimately death. And we’re all stranded on this ball of mud, hurtling through the cosmos unsure of the vast majority of everything that surrounds this beautiful but yet impossibly small in the grand scheme of things and seemingly insignificant, planet.
What assurances do we have? What promises? What do we know for certain? How can our religion, our faith be so solid as to resist all of these questions and uncertainties?
I don’t know that I have any answers, I don’t know if I can ever attain them. I will start with some things I do know.
I know I was fortunate enough to be born into a family that loves me very much. I had a wonderful childhood, unlike others I know. I have had a fortunate life. I don’t mean fortunate where I have lucked into a lot of money, or an easy life when it comes to relationships, jobs etc. In fact I’ve had a couple of serious medical issues in my lifetime, one of them life-threatening. Until my current relationship I had terrible luck with picking insecure, demanding, possessive and unstable people to be in relationships with and seemingly brushing aside anyone who would have provided something more real.
But through it all I have somehow managed to come through, usually the better off and with an attitude that instead of belying bitterness, instead embraces the new opportunities and relishes the lessons learned. In that, I have been very fortunate.
I also know I feel love. I feel love from my partner, I feel love from my dogs, I feel love from my friends and family, I feel love from my co-workers. But for myself, I feel love towards all those people, I feel love towards people I don’t even know. When the tsunami hit southeast Asia, when Hurricane Katrina hit the U.S., when the bridge collapsed in Minnesota, I cried genuine tears of sorrow and compassion. I don’t say these things to pat myself on the back, but I know that by virtue of these things, I know I have emotion in my heart. I know a lot of other people do; I hope everyone does, at least on some level.
So what does love mean? Why have compassion towards fellow human beings? If all we are are animals doing nothing more than to survive, why care about anyone else but ourselves?
I believe love comes from God. As the Bible says, “God is love.” It also goes on to say “He who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.”
A pretty simple statement on the surface, but love really isn’t simple at all when you get down to it. Love is hard. We should all know that. But that tangent is for another time.
Some may not hold much credence in the Bible. I still have questions about it and don’t think it is a book to always be taken literally. But I do know I learn from it that love exists, God is love, and God (love) is in the world.
That is something to latch on to. That gives meaning to these specks of dust flitting about. On this cold, gray January afternoon, that is enough for me.
Some thoughts
Something from yesterday:
Once in a great while something really grabs a hold of me and makes me think. Scary, huh? Here are three different short lines that all converged upon me today:
A verse from the Liturgy of the Hours:
Bear one another’s burdens and so you will fulfill the law of Christ (Galatians 6:2)
From an inspirational booklet given to me:
The difference between servitude and servanthood is the difference between have to and get to.
And finally from a ‘quote of the day’ email I receive at work everyday:
Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility. -St. Augustine (354-430)
Time to go ponder.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Thoughts on radical inclusion
Some people espouse the idea of 'radical inclusion' when talking about the church. What does this mean?
For some it takes on a somewhat political tinge when people use the idea to say gays and lesbians should be included within the church.
Does it just mean gays and lesbians? Does it mean everyone?
At what point is the line crossed? Is there a line to cross? Should we care?
As a gay man I obviously welcome the idea of inclusion. But does radical inclusion literally include everyone? Can that lessen the idea of being included? And should I care because as a gay man I am being included?
For some it takes on a somewhat political tinge when people use the idea to say gays and lesbians should be included within the church.
Does it just mean gays and lesbians? Does it mean everyone?
At what point is the line crossed? Is there a line to cross? Should we care?
As a gay man I obviously welcome the idea of inclusion. But does radical inclusion literally include everyone? Can that lessen the idea of being included? And should I care because as a gay man I am being included?
Lazy Sunday
I think my post last night concerning the former bishop of San Joaquin was a little harsh, but it's the way I felt at the time so there it is.
Regardless, this day has pretty much been a waste on one hand, but kind of nice on the other. I ended up skipping church and have done nothing productive.
But we lit a fire and watched movies all day and played with the dogs. So that made it nice.
Regardless, this day has pretty much been a waste on one hand, but kind of nice on the other. I ended up skipping church and have done nothing productive.
But we lit a fire and watched movies all day and played with the dogs. So that made it nice.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Former bishop of SJ done
The former bishop of San Joaquin has been inhibited. I would love to link to a conservative blog or two here but they are always filled with lies and hate. So I refuse to do that here. My preoagative.
Anyways, the hateful bishop of SJ is in the process of being deposed. Let the conservative spin process begin.
http://frjakestopstheworld.blogspot.com/2008/01/former-bishop-of-san-joaquin-inhibited.html
Anyways, the hateful bishop of SJ is in the process of being deposed. Let the conservative spin process begin.
http://frjakestopstheworld.blogspot.com/2008/01/former-bishop-of-san-joaquin-inhibited.html
Evan Almighty
We're watching 'Evan Almighty'.
Besides it being silly and not such a great movie, it actually provides some insight.
A man is being called by God, he denies it, thinks he's crazy and at some point through the overcoming power of God he accepts God's will. He does this at the chagrin and even laughing of those who know and love him.
A large part of accepting God's call for me is accepting the sure to come questioning, even mocking.
How do I prepare myself for that?
It has pre-occupied a lot of my thinking over the last few months. How do I prepare for other people's reactions? I think that is what is truly holding me back.
The initial response I received from my partner was a mix of 'I saw this coming' to 'why on earth would you consider such a thing?'
So that's where I am. I (think) know what people's reaction will be.
But I have to brush that aside. Anything I believe in has to be strong enough to stand up in the face of any criticism or questioning. If it doesn't, then maybe it's not real.
Besides it being silly and not such a great movie, it actually provides some insight.
A man is being called by God, he denies it, thinks he's crazy and at some point through the overcoming power of God he accepts God's will. He does this at the chagrin and even laughing of those who know and love him.
A large part of accepting God's call for me is accepting the sure to come questioning, even mocking.
How do I prepare myself for that?
It has pre-occupied a lot of my thinking over the last few months. How do I prepare for other people's reactions? I think that is what is truly holding me back.
The initial response I received from my partner was a mix of 'I saw this coming' to 'why on earth would you consider such a thing?'
So that's where I am. I (think) know what people's reaction will be.
But I have to brush that aside. Anything I believe in has to be strong enough to stand up in the face of any criticism or questioning. If it doesn't, then maybe it's not real.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Clinton wins!?
MSNBC is now projecting Hillary has won the NH primary.
Thank God some people came to their senses.
I hope the projection holds and I hope this gives Sen. Clinton a huge boost.
Thank God some people came to their senses.
I hope the projection holds and I hope this gives Sen. Clinton a huge boost.
Hillary
I've been a Hillary fan since back in the day when her husband was surging forward to become president.
Right now with 51% of the vote in New Hampshire, she is leading Obama. Only by two points, but still, she is doing much better than anyone thought she would.
Is Hillary back? I hope so.
Right now with 51% of the vote in New Hampshire, she is leading Obama. Only by two points, but still, she is doing much better than anyone thought she would.
Is Hillary back? I hope so.
Monday, January 7, 2008
The dogs are fighting over a rawhide bone, Tom is down at the boat, I'm here by myself (human-wise) watching football, trying to get settled into a new year.
It's not easy getting back into a groove. But I know there are worse things.
I have people from Church Under the Bridge (an outreach group I'm involved with) demanding time and resources from me when other board members apparently can't communicate or are too ignorant to do so.
Work is weird, stupid people have prominence, stupid things take precedent, and in general things are just weird.
It's not easy getting back into a groove. But I know there are worse things.
I have people from Church Under the Bridge (an outreach group I'm involved with) demanding time and resources from me when other board members apparently can't communicate or are too ignorant to do so.
Work is weird, stupid people have prominence, stupid things take precedent, and in general things are just weird.
Geaux Tigers!
Go SEC! LSU is currently dominating Ohio State in the BCS national championship game.
SEC speed and talent versus Big Ten strength and general sluggishness.
Geaux Tigers!
SEC speed and talent versus Big Ten strength and general sluggishness.
Geaux Tigers!
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Epiphany
I experienced my first Epiphany service today. It was great, Christmas carols and the children portraying the manger scene.
I found it odd to be singing Christmas carols at this time of the year, but at the end, I loved it.
I found it odd to be singing Christmas carols at this time of the year, but at the end, I loved it.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Love of immigrants
Are immigrants worthy of our love? I tend to think so.
Other people don't agree.
Where does love enter the argument of immigration?
Aren't we all children of God? If so, don't we all deserve the same kind of health care?
Other people don't agree.
Where does love enter the argument of immigration?
Aren't we all children of God? If so, don't we all deserve the same kind of health care?
Friday, January 4, 2008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Who let the dogs out?!
Yesterday morning, my brother in law (who had been staying here) was out around 5:30 getting ready to go to a football bowl game.
After retrieving his case of beer on the deck he also left the gate open. So when I let the dogs out, half asleep - not realizing the gate was open, they were gone.
When I came back to let them in, I noticed the open gate and proceeded to have my freak out. The dogs were gone.
I ran out into the driveway and then the street yelling for the dogs. My bro in law then proceeded to tell me "the dogs went that way" motioning down the street.
This was of course after the fact. The dogs were long gone. No sign of them.
I ran down the street yelling for the dogs, boyfriend right behind me. We decide getting in our cars was a better solution.
So we get in our cars and go our separate ways.
Two black dogs, lost in the complete blackness.
Ok, so I went back once to the house to check, just in case the dogs went back to the house. They weren't there.
I was searching in darkness, hopeless, dogs were gone, rush hour traffic was coming soon.
About 30 minutes later my partner did the same thing and the dogs were there and called me on my cell phone.
The dogs were home and safe. When I got back I hugged them forever and there were many hugs and kisses.
What a way to start a Monday.
After retrieving his case of beer on the deck he also left the gate open. So when I let the dogs out, half asleep - not realizing the gate was open, they were gone.
When I came back to let them in, I noticed the open gate and proceeded to have my freak out. The dogs were gone.
I ran out into the driveway and then the street yelling for the dogs. My bro in law then proceeded to tell me "the dogs went that way" motioning down the street.
This was of course after the fact. The dogs were long gone. No sign of them.
I ran down the street yelling for the dogs, boyfriend right behind me. We decide getting in our cars was a better solution.
So we get in our cars and go our separate ways.
Two black dogs, lost in the complete blackness.
Ok, so I went back once to the house to check, just in case the dogs went back to the house. They weren't there.
I was searching in darkness, hopeless, dogs were gone, rush hour traffic was coming soon.
About 30 minutes later my partner did the same thing and the dogs were there and called me on my cell phone.
The dogs were home and safe. When I got back I hugged them forever and there were many hugs and kisses.
What a way to start a Monday.
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