Meeting w/ my priest

I met with a priest at church today to talk about my discernment. It went well enough. This particular priest is so compassionate and pastoral in a one on one setting.
She immediately posed some questions that she said up front weren't fair questions but were questions that had to be asked. Why do you feel called? One of my responses was I felt a call to service. She asked, "Why in the church?" Why a priest?

Very pointed questions that cut straight to the heart of the matter that I really wasn't prepared for. But I think all in all, for an initial discussion I handled myself ok. I think now that I know how this process will go, as far as what types of questions I will be facing, I will be better prepared in the future.

So, immediately after our meeting I felt a great weight had been lifted. But then as the afternoon went on, I felt a great deal of anxiety. Anxiety over the seriousness of what I had done, this is a big deal. And I had contemplated most, if not all, of the aspects involved with this process. But hearing my priest talk about all of those issues brought a clear ray of light on all those issues and made them seem even larger than I had imagined. So the weight of that laid on me all day.

I'm feeling better now though. We'll see what happens. I have some homework: write a spiritual autobiography (which I've done twice before), and reading over the ordination services for each order of bishop, priest and deacon.

Now the fun begins.

I've been doing some semi-preparation before my meeting tomorrow with my priest. It's been quite helpful to go back and look at past thoughts. In fact, it has been inspiring.

I am feeling more comfortable with tomorrow's meeting.

San Joaquin electing a new bishop

The Living Church and other websites and blogs are reporting some great news, the Episcopal Diocese of San Joaquin will be holding an election for a new provisional bishop. This bishop is of course to replace the currently inhibited and soon to be deposed former Episcopal bishop Schofield of San Joaquin.

http://www.livingchurch.org/news/news-updates/2008/2/27/san-joaquin-provisional-bishop-election-march-29

I've done it now

Well, I've done gone and done it. I called one of the priests at church today and am meeting with her on Friday to talk about my discernment. It was almost comical, I was as nervous about making the phone call as I was calling girls in high school to ask out for a date. As I look back on those years and see myself as a foolish teenager hopefully I will be able to look back on these current days and see myself as a scared, trembling little person seeking their place in God's church.
I was almost sick before I made the phone call. Magically I feel so much better afterwards. Even though there is still the conversation to have, I feel as if a weight has been lifted. I know my path now, where it will lead me I'm not sure, but I'm ok with that for now.

Coming to a head

I am feeling that some things in my life are coming to a head. Chiefly among them is my discernment process, more on that later.

Some things at work are building up, the next month or two are going to be quite busy.

My relationship with my partner. I feel we’re in a state of transition, it’s hard to explain but if neither of us decided to devote any time or energy into it, the relationship could take a bad turn. But I also see some really good signs that we can definitely move forward.

Back to my discernment process. As Sr. Kathy has told me, it’s time I made the move forward and actually talk to someone at church. I have plans to call a priest I know personally and meet with her, hopefully this week. I know I will have to talk to the Dean eventually, but I wanted to start with this certain priest since that is whom this all began with.

The idea of making the phone call isn’t that hard to envision, nor is sitting down and talking with her. But I know once the time actually comes it will be nerve wracking.
I know what I want to say and pretty much how I want to say it, lord knows I’ve been practicing while I’m driving. Unfortunately this is one time when I wished I spent more time in my car.
Today at church they hosted a Lenten quiet day, a series of presentations and time for quiet and meditation. I was only able to go to one. I went to one given by this particular priest, it was about living into joy. She spoke about how hard it is for people to truly live into joy and that part of the problem is we don’t truly live into God. We have to live into God and not ourselves before we can be truly joyous. We have to let go, to give up all of our pride and agendas and let God be our life.

Letting go of our agendas, our pride, our plans. This is something that is very hard for me to do. How am I to know that these thoughts, these feelings are God’s and not something my humanness has made up? And if it truly is from God, then how am I to let go of all my fears about change, the person I see myself as?

It’s all just a big mess right.

Trust. I need to trust in God and let myself go.

Questioning (again)

I'm not sure what path I am on at this point. I have a directive from my spiritual director, if you will, to talk with a priest from church about my call to a vocation. At times I am very excited about this thought. I think it would relieve quite a bit of pressure off of me. Just voicing what I'm thinking and going through, to someone at church, would be a great comfort.

On the other hand, I am worried about what it all means. Putting myself forward will change how people view me within the church. That part is obvious I know but it weighs on me probably more than it should. I am concerned about having to live up to a certain standard. It may sound silly but I know how people are, especially after hearing stories of how people will complain about the quality of doughnuts on Sunday mornings, the service times, how one priest may occasionally stumble over a word here and there during the service. So how will people react to and look at someone whom they know to be in the discernment process?

I thought I had moved beyond being concerned how others look at me, but maybe I haven't.

Alternative oversight?

There is some new discussion coming out about the idea of alternative oversight for bishops in the Episcopal Church who are not happy with the leadership of Bishop Schori. A link to a post about this on the blog Preludium is here:
http://anglicanfuture.blogspot.com/2008/02/communion-partners-some-light-on-matter.html

I really don't think this is a good idea. This whole idea just seems to be another way to undermine TEC. This opens the door for people to separate themselves and not participate in the life of the wider church because it is 'tainted'.

I am thinking more and more that it is time for everyone to bite the bullet and make the hard decisions. Let's get it over with I say and move on. Until we do it almost seems like we're prolonging the painful reality.
I'm all for staying in conversation and staying at the table but at this moment I'm thinking it's not getting us anywhere.

Of course I'm not settled, I may very well waffle and change course.

One thing after another

I started off my day promptly by falling down our iced over steps leading from the house down to the deck. I was ok though, but not a pleasant thing nonetheless.
This little trip was to go to the backyard to clean up all of the dog 'messes'. We take turns cleaning everything up once or twice a week. It had been a solid week since the last clean up so there was plenty to pick up. And to boot our last poop scooper broke and the new one is basically worthless, so I had to use a plastic bag to pick it up all by hand. Did I mention the ground is frozen? Makes picking up the messes easier, but your fingers start to hurt and freeze up pretty quickly.
After that my partner wanted to go to Cracker Barrel because my parents are always giving me $10 gift cards to there. I pretty much refuse to go there because of their hiring policy towards gays and lesbians. It may have changed but still, I harbour ill feelings towards them.
Then it was off to Sam's Club. I despise Sam's Club. There are lots of good deals and it can be fun to try and find new things they have in. But, it's crazy on Saturday afternoons. People pushing flatbed carts loaded down with beef jerky, gallon drums of instant mashed potatoes, stopping in the middle of the isle. And then because they don't bag the groceries there, everything has to be loaded and unloaded individually. What a pain.

I thought Saturday's were supposed to be fun or at least relaxing.

God's love

...I am a child of God

His light rains down upon me

His strength holds me up

His mercy envelops me

His love lifts me up

His presence gives me strength to do his will

Friday thoughts

So today is Friday, I am so glad this week is over.

Work has been so busy. My boss is out due to surgery for at least another three weeks. We had a co-worker walk out last week. And to boot there are so many things going on this time of the year, it's really one of if not the busiest time of the year for us.

But now a respite, although I have work to do this weekend.

People at work (and their relatives) have been very ill. I've avoided it so far. In fact, I haven't been truly ill for a long long time. I take a series of vitamins and supplements everyday. I have friends who scoff at me for doing so, they say I'm overdoing it and it's a waste. I got to say though, I kind of like my vitamin regime and not being sick. I should also add I have never had a flu shot.

Crazy mix today

Today started off great, got up early, read my prayers, worked out, played with the dogs, did some things around the house and off to work.

Work was at first wonderfully busy (not hectic/crazy but had a good energy to it) but as the day went along I kept feeling more and more overwhelmed with new projects.

I went to the noon mass at my church, which is always refreshing. It's a small faithful group that shows up every Wednesday and it's very intimate. Today the person that heads up our eucharistic visitation program was there and we talked (I am one of the visitors) and he asked if I'd be willing to do it this weekend. Of course I was, and he seemed ever so grateful. It's always nice to feel like you are making someone else's job easier by doing something you really don't mind at all.

Then back to work and it was one crazy thing after another. So by the end of the day I had been through a little bit of chaos, lots of activity, and just enough spirituality to keep me going for a few more days.

After today I think I have a small idea of what life might be like if I were to end up in a religious profession.

Uganda threatens to take it's ball and go home

Uganda has decided to not go to Lambeth, now they are threatening to withdraw from the Anglican Communion.

As un-Christian as this is, I know I'm not the first to say, don't let the door hit ya....

http://www.iht.com/articles/ap/2008/02/18/africa/AF-REL-Uganda-Anglicans.php

I wonder what all those congregations who aligned themselves with the Church of Uganda are thinking now? Especially since they originally split from TEC to go with Uganda in their grand (and delusional) hopes that they would be safe as a member of the Anglican Communion while TEC would be kicked out.

Sunday night

I think I am exhausted, I'm not quite sure yet though.

What a weekend, was at the boat for a couple of days, had yesterday kind of off I guess but today had to get ready for my church group to meet here at the house. It's a small group, only 5 other people (one is currently on hiatus) and we meet once a month on a Sunday night. The theme of the group (there are two others out of our church) concerns reconciliation and healing. We mainly bond and talk about church type stuff sometimes, sometimes politics, books, or whatever crosses our mind. It's a great time, we all get along so well and feed into each other's sense of humor. We trade off meeting at each other's house and this month it was my turn.

Anyway I had to get ready for that, and now as I'm sitting here and it's over I can finally unwind. Throwing get togethers, no matter how informal do wear me out.

Been at the boat

We spent the last couple of days down at the boat, got back this afternoon.

We have a little (I mean little) houseboat at a lake about an hour and a half from here. The boat itself is actually quite nice for what it is, it's basically a shed on pontoons, but my partner has put a ton of work into it. I would bet he has made it nicer than most anyone else would have been able to, short of pouring thousands of dollars into it. Not to mention the boat slip we have is incredible, we face a cove and have an unbelievable view, a view that people who own the $100,000+ houseboats down there would certainly be envious of. We don't have to leave the dock to have a good time, in fact we rarely do.

But, I am not a boat person, I'm not a huge fan of the water, and I'm not an outdoors type of guy either. Sounds like I'm a sissy right? Well not so really, I just have my preferences.

I do like being down there, once we're settled, especially during the winter months. That is because no one else is down there, the quietness is palpable.

There are always ducks swimming by, an occasional otter splashing about in the middle of the night. And my partner always makes sure to have great food to eat while down there. And we're gluttons for electronics, so we have our computers (although intermittent internet connection, esp during winter) and watch movies and drink wine, and during the day take hikes and what not.

But, I am always glad to get back home and stretch out.

I'm taking my ball and going home!

Several primates have written a letter laying out their reasons why they will not be attending the Lambeth Conference.
First of all I am so sick and tired of hearing from these bigoted people, especially considering the fact they are activally trying to tear the Episcopal Church asunder.
Here is a link to their letter:

http://www.anglican-nig.org/main.php?k_j=12&d=156&p_t=index.php?

Here is a link to Father Jake's site which makes a funny and poignant point about the whole thing:

http://frjakestopstheworld.blogspot.com/2008/02/five-primates-of-global-south-confirm.html

As Fr. Jake points out, I guess this does really boil down to a case of the gay cooties.

I know I'm naive about somethings, esp human nature, but I thought we were all Christians and would put aside our differences to come together for fellowship and more importantly the sharing of the Eucharist.

Guess not.

What a joke.

Pray for the church.

My next step

From my meeting with my spiritual director on Thursday came that I need to actually make the first big step and speak with someone at church about my call.
I knew this was coming, in fact, our meetings have been narrowing down to it. It's almost as if we've started to run out of things to talk about, she's given me praying and meditation exercises to do and most of the big topics have been covered. I don't want to pay myself on the back but I have approached this process with an open, humble and questioning mind. I am thinking that has spurred the process on a little more.

How ironic is it that being unsure of oneself would push you further down a particular path?

I read somewhere that God doesn't call you because you are ready, He calls you because He has a plan for you. Or something to that effect. The idea being that just because you don't have the particular skillset for a task doesn't mean you aren't called to that, God wants you there and you will learn what you need to know.

So my task now is to make the phone call and set up a meeting with a priest at church. I'm meeting with my spiritual director the week before holy week, I should have met with my priest by then.

This is all exciting and I have to say, anxiety inducing.

The dogs

Here are the kids.

Yes, like a lot of messed up animal lovers, we refer to our pets as kids. No apologies here though.

We *love* our dogs. They are the best. Our previous dog was the center of our life because his love was unconditional. Now we have that X 2. So forgive us.

Regardless, these two dogs, Kaiser and Zelda are quite the pair. Crazy, playful, full of puppyness, full of affection.

Spiritual direction

I'm meeting with my spiritual director on Thursday and as these meetings draw closer, I tend to find myself searching for some meaningful things to say, some spiritual insights that are of great significance.
After the actual meeting I am reminded that such thoughts are quite silly. Although I feel as if these meetings are a sort of testing of my spiritual aptitude and worthiness, they are really just a tool to help assess my spiritual development.
Still sounds like some mamby pamby stuff to gloss over the fact it's still a step on my way to the priesthood. But oh well.
So, since my last meeting I have succeeded in missing church just about as much as I have attended, I have skipped my bible study group for the majority of the time, I have felt spiritually, emotionally and relationship-wise, quite inept.

But yet feel like I'm on the upswing.

So where does that leave me?

I don't have the slightest idea.

Obama

Looks like Obama is sweeping the 'Potomac Primary'.

I've never been against Obama, just for Hillary. It looks like the tide is seriously turning in Obama's favor though.

So as the days and primaries go on, I continue to give more thought as to who I want for president and who I think would be able to win the general election.

I love his speeches and what he says and Obama is becoming the clear decision, but I will reserve my own personal judgment for now.

,

Today has been full, church of course, and when I got home I found that my partner had been out shopping and bought a new computer. He couldn't stand that I had a new one and so had to go get a new one of his own. I say that jokingly of course. I'm happy he decided to do that.

I have been busy updating lots of stuff, cleaning house and what not, so today has been quite busier than expected.

Random Sat stuff

Today has been weird. I love Saturdays, I can do whatever I want Friday night and not have to worry about getting up Sat morning for anything.
But today just seemed to go by so fast.
By the time I was settled and ready to get my day started, my partner's sister was wanting to go to a local animal rescue place to drop off some money we all donated.
So we all went out there. This place rescues all sorts of wild animals (w0lves, lions, etc) plus some local wild animals, deers that have been hit by cars, pot bellied pigs that have been abandoned, plus some various kinds of monkeys and other animals I cannot begin to explain how they got there.
It was an interesting experience. They had been reaching out to the community because some recent storms had devastated the place , fencing had been torn, other resources had been leveled.
By the time we got there most things had been restored, but we were glad to donate money.

Lenten disciplines

From RevGalBlogPals blog: (here is the link to the site http://revgalblogpals.blogspot.com/

1. Did you celebrate Mardi Gras and/or Ash Wednesday this week? How?
Yes but not in the typical fashion. I love going to the Ash Wednesday service, and whenever I'm happy and in a good spiritual state I feel like celebrating.
We had a couple of bottles of wine, celebrated my good fortune in receiving a brand new computer, our luck, our love, our dogs.
We did have fish for dinner though as I've given up meat for Lent.

2. What was your most memorable Mardi Gras/Ash Wednesday/Lent?
A couple of years ago when I was preparing to be baptized and enter the church. It was such a meaningful period of prayer and penitence. I prayed the chaplet of divine mercy and the penitential psalms almost daily and did my first confession, which was difficult to say the least, but very rewarding.

3. Did you/your church/your family celebrate Lent as a child? If not, when and how did you discover it?
Not at all, I didn't discover Lent until I joined the Episcopal church.

4. Are you more in the give-up camp, or the take-on camp, or somewhere in between?
Take-on camp for the most part.

5. How do you plan to keep Lent this year?

I am trying to give up meat. Because I think it's right, but also because it's very hard for me so it's a good discipline.
I have also taken up reciting the chaplet of divine mercy every day as well as reading the penitential psalms as much as I can.
In addition, I am trying to examine myself for my faults (which are many unfortunately). I don't want to say I am wallowing, but I think an idea close to that is ok for a period. I know the light is there and it will come to me. It's that hope that keeps me going.

Moving into Lent

Lent is here. The service of Ash Wednesday is one of my favorite services of the year. I always go to the noon service, and there is just something about being there, at that time of day, with the cantor chanting the 51st psalm, the kneeling, the ashes, etc. It is very moving for me.

So as I move into Lent, my spiritual life changes. I am grateful for the early arrival this year, which some people are not happy for. But it's almost a saving grace for me.

I have felt so lost and incredibly disgusted with my spiritual devotion the last month and a half to two months.

The early arrival is perfect for me.

Besides the fact I enjoy Lent more than any other liturgical season anyway, this particular year holds great importance for me.

Ash Wednesday

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, one of, if not my favorite liturgical day of the church year.

Sounds odd I know. But in my first year in coming into the church I attended my first ever Ash Wednesday service. I was amazed by the reverance, the service, the penitance.

I was so moved and humbled.

It is a day to remember the days in ancient times when people would seek redemption by adopting 'sackcloth and ashes'.

So tomorrow we accept the ashes as a sign of our wanting repentance. Our humbling before God for forgiveness.

I actually can't wait for tomorrow.

Oh happy day

Much as a tide turns in a political election, the tide has turned in my favor for the moment.

Last night I went back to my bible class. Not only were people not upset with me, they were incredibly glad to have me back. They love me, they really love me, lol. I guess I had a sense ,of expecting the worse...

Today work was hectic, overwhelming but incredibly rewarding. I got so much done, I felt back in my stride at work.

Then comes my computer. My computer had been sent off, it was determined a total failiure had happened by Gateway. This was in addition to the harddrive failure that happened a few months ago, when they had replaced the hard drive.

Thank God for warranties!

So lacking a total failure of the system, the voice message I received said the unit would be replaced.

I tried calling, to no effect, so I didn't know what to expect.

Today my computer arrives and my partner calls me.

It's a brand new computer! For non-computer geeks I cannot express the joy and shock in this.

I wanted to expect this since my laptop was over two years old and was a total loss, I just expected a corporation to be too greedy to actually send me a brand new computer.

Ok, my day and week has been made.

I needed some good stuff!

Thoughts on the election

Geez, sometimes I feel so schizo. I have been giving more thought to Obama in the last day or so.
In a conversation with a co-worker who supports Obama, I suddenly felt like I had the ability to support him. Like before I had been holding back because I questioned his experience and resolve.
Of course that is not to say I haven't been caught up in his oratorial skills. His speeches inspire the soul and excite the imagination. But I have resisted him so far because of the apparent lack of details in his message.
As I have searched more for answers and talked to more people I am becoming more satisified with the idea of Obama.

With all that said, I'm still a Hillary guy, 100%. We'll see how things play out, but I think we *need* a female president. And I would love a black vice-president.

Today

Today was better than most I suppose. All of the management were at an off-site meeting at work, so work actually approached a level of peacefulness.
The weather here today was crap, but that's ok, it's Friday so not all is bad.
A fire is lit and we are watching The Constant Gardener. The dogs are playful. The weekend is ahead, the worries of the past week are long gone.

Former Standing Committee of the DSJ responds

Looks like the former Standing Committee of the Diocese of San Joaquin is a little ticked.
http://www.livingchurch.org/news/news-updates/2008/2/1/episcopal-diocese-of-san-joaquin-responds-to-presiding-bishop
But I have to wonder, they were a part of the diocese voting to leave The Episcopal Church, so they were part and parcel of that decision by virtue of going along with it. If they disagreed with their bishop they needed to make a stand. Because they didn't it can only be assumed they went along with the decision to disassociate from TEC. And so, why on earth are they mad? How in hell do they feel they have the standing to be so indignant?
It's beyond me. I think they're crazy and their threats to the Presiding Bishop border on insanity.
They should expect to be removed from their positions in short order.

If people want out of TEC, then get the heck out. But quit trying to destroy something so many love, on your way out.