Coming to a head

I am feeling that some things in my life are coming to a head. Chiefly among them is my discernment process, more on that later.

Some things at work are building up, the next month or two are going to be quite busy.

My relationship with my partner. I feel we’re in a state of transition, it’s hard to explain but if neither of us decided to devote any time or energy into it, the relationship could take a bad turn. But I also see some really good signs that we can definitely move forward.

Back to my discernment process. As Sr. Kathy has told me, it’s time I made the move forward and actually talk to someone at church. I have plans to call a priest I know personally and meet with her, hopefully this week. I know I will have to talk to the Dean eventually, but I wanted to start with this certain priest since that is whom this all began with.

The idea of making the phone call isn’t that hard to envision, nor is sitting down and talking with her. But I know once the time actually comes it will be nerve wracking.
I know what I want to say and pretty much how I want to say it, lord knows I’ve been practicing while I’m driving. Unfortunately this is one time when I wished I spent more time in my car.
Today at church they hosted a Lenten quiet day, a series of presentations and time for quiet and meditation. I was only able to go to one. I went to one given by this particular priest, it was about living into joy. She spoke about how hard it is for people to truly live into joy and that part of the problem is we don’t truly live into God. We have to live into God and not ourselves before we can be truly joyous. We have to let go, to give up all of our pride and agendas and let God be our life.

Letting go of our agendas, our pride, our plans. This is something that is very hard for me to do. How am I to know that these thoughts, these feelings are God’s and not something my humanness has made up? And if it truly is from God, then how am I to let go of all my fears about change, the person I see myself as?

It’s all just a big mess right.

Trust. I need to trust in God and let myself go.