What's up with me?

I counted it and I've missed church 4 of the last 6 Sundays. I have attended the noon service on Wednesdays here and there in that time frame, but it's not the same as Sundays.

For someone who considers themself in the beginning stages of the discernment process, that is unheard of. Sunday attendance is a given for most, especially any who fancy themselves as being called to the service of God.

So why is that? I hate to think I'm getting burned out with church, but maybe that is happening to an extent. I've been lax in my volunteer duties, board meetings, etc.
I think it began back in Advent, I know the causes for the most part. And they are mostly gone, it's just recovering from the effects.

So now I'm headed into Lent like a freight train (it begins next Wednesday). And seeing as how Lent is my favorite liturgical period of the church year, I need to get my ass in line.

Pittsburgh cracks

As others are reporting, there are some cracks appearing in the schismatic diocese of Pittsburgh.
The story is linked below.
This illustrates the fact the people who tend to come together based on something they are against, rather than than something the are for, continue to schism and schism and schism.
Hatred, as it were, tends to breed hatred.

Here's the link (to Fr. Jake's site):

http://frjakestopstheworld.blogspot.com/2008/01/cracks-appear-in-pittsburgh.html

May we all pray for the faithful Episcopalians in this diocese.

God's presence

At what points in our lives do we feel God?

There are various points within my day I pray. But that doesn't necessarily mean I feel God's presence. My spiritual director says those moments are purely acts of love.

But how often, especially outside of prayer, do I feel God's presence? On my best days I try to see Him in all things, from the conversation with the co-worker who always seems depressed, the sound of the wind blowing through the trees, my dogs bum-rushing me as I enter the door after a long day at work. He is everywhere and is in everything we experience. Our challenge is to recognize that.

So here I am, knowing that, but yet not feeling it always. Knowing is much easier than being.

Caught in a funk

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve been in as big of a funk as I have been the last few days. But at least I know why, here’s the litany of reasons:
My best friend at work is being made a supervisor in my area and I will eventually be reporting to her. I’m very ok with that except for the fact that out of necessity our relationship will change. We won’t be able to be so chummy, talking about the people at work that drives us crazy. She’s also been an incredible source of information within the department and company in general, filling me in on the goings on. That will definitely be changing as well.
And, to be perfectly honest, my partner and I kept the candle lit at both ends just a bit much over the weekend. Besides not feeling the best physically, I’m not real happy for allowing myself to do that.
We also fought again over the weekend. I don’t have the energy to go into that right now.
And I pretty much got a big talking to last night from my martial arts instructor, basically telling me I’m wasting my time because I’m ignoring the most basic of stuff, and making me feel like I’m wasting his time in the process. And the really painful part for me is I already knew this. This was the second time he’s had to do this. I am really upset with myself for that. I used to be so into my martial arts classes, tirelessly practicing and trying to get better. Now I just feel like a chump.
I have also continued to skip a class I’m taking at church. Why I don’t know. Actually I do, it’s laziness, it’s being tired, and the class is on Mondays which is really the only day of the week that works for me, but in the end it just really doesn’t work at all. I feel bad for skipping so much.
I also have not been very devoted to the board meetings of the soup kitchen I sit on.
So all in all I’m feeling kind of down on myself, there are so many areas of my life I don’t feel like I’m succeeding in. I know what I need to do to get better it’s just actually making those steps.
And to boot, it’s been pouring rain all day and it’s gloomy as hell.
Have I taken on too much? I don’t like feeling like this but there isn’t one area of my life going well right now.

Opinion on the covenant, from Canada

From the Anglican Church in Canada, an opinion piece about not rushing the Anglican Covenant.

http://www.vancouver.anglican.ca/News/tabid/27/ctl/ViewArticle/ArticleId/615/mid/486/Default.aspx

I've wondered for a while how on earth did the idea for an Anglican Covenant gather such steam so quickly? Who really pushed for this besides the Archbishop of Canterbury?

It is heartening to know that other churches within the Anglican Communion are rejecting the idea. Canada, New Zealand, Wales, Scotland and others. As it should be since the covenant is intended mainly as an instrument of exclusion to try and satisfy the right-wingers within the communion.

Obama's win in SC

With Obama's impressive victory last night, the possibility of him becoming the democratic nominee for president has once again become not just realistic, but bordering on probable.
The wave of momentum he enjoyed after Iowa is again surging.

I used to be a huge Obama fan, I still like him too. The only problem I have with him is his lack of experience. But, we've had such a miserable excuse for a president the last eight years, the only place to go is up.

The thing is, while the debates were heating up I became a huge fan of Hillary. Truth be told, I've always liked Hillary. And the main reason is this: her very existence pisses off Republicans. Ever since she came on to the national scene with Bill, right-wingers have hated her.

So I'm more than a little concerned. And what I really don't get are these charges of racially motivated attacks. I have listened to the accusations of the use of 'code' words and other racially charged language. I have tried to understand but I just don't see it. Yes, there have been attacks made, but that's what happens in politics. If you can't stand to be bloodied and are unable to dish it out, then maybe politics wasn't what you were really cut out for. I'm not saying Obama thinks that way but his supporters definitely do. Really people, lets not be so sensitive.

With all that said, if Obama does win the nomination I will fully support him. I do like his message I'm just not caught up in the hoopla.

Sorting some stuff out

I've been thinking a lot lately about the compatibility of the priesthood and homosexuality. Obviously this (more specifically the role of bishops) has been a major point of contention within the Anglican Communion and The Episcopal Church.
I feel there is a stumbling block between any discernment I might have and any issue with sexuality that other people might have.
So, considering the contention some people have of biblical interpretation, I have to honor that on some level. That is because I interpret the Bible in a certain way that is at odds with a lot of people, so if someone else interprets it in a certain way I feel obligated to honor that, even though I may disagree with them. It is because I am open to the fact that different people can and will interpret the Bible in different ways.
But in the end I would hope we could all live together in some sort of relationship. Other people (always the hard conservatives) feel otherwise. They feel the need to ostracize gay people and separate themselves from anyone that accepts them.
So where does that leave me? In some ways it discourages me. It's disheartening to know that the church you are a part of and feel a longing to be a leader in, is going through these struggles. On the other hand it is very encouraging. It gives me strength to know I have the capacity to minister to people in the church who may feel like I do, even disenfranchised. Because, not in spite of, my sexual orientation, but because, I may have the capacity to do even greater good.

Ok, so I'm getting a little ahead of myself. But, I'm still sorting this all out.

Being prepared

I read an article in a magazine I subscribe to (a mainstream health magazine) that gave some suggestions for surviving during during a disaster. So... I have decided to start and try to be equipped in case something, anything happens (tornado, earthquake, etc, not to mention anything more serious, terrorist attack, war, whatever). It may be a little reactionary, but what's the harm in having hand crank radios and MREs on hand, the Mormons do, right?

Some links

I can't possibly keep up with all the goings on in the world of Episcopal/Anglican goings on.

So I direct anyone who happens to read this site to the following sites who cover things much better than I could ever hope to:

http://www.thinkinganglicans.org.uk/

http://frjakestopstheworld.blogspot.com/

http://anglicanfuture.blogspot.com/

http://episcopalchurch.typepad.com/episcope/

Small Town Gay Bar

We watched this documentary by the name of 'Small Town Gay Bar'.

It hits so very close to home.

Without going into a lot of details it basically followed the life of a gay bar in the very small town of Meridian, Mississippi.

I would like to say much hilarity ensued, but that's not the case.

Life is incredibly hard for gay people in small towns. Actually it can be very hard for gay people in any size town.

There is gay bashing, lynching, murder etc. But in the movie there was also some hope. However little they have to hang onto, the gay people there have one bar where they can congregate. It is there they can be themselves. They can relax. They don't have to worry about others.

My own experience is different. But I can say this, there is a reason a gay bar becomes the centerpiece of the gay community. It's the only place people can come together safely.

Today

What a day.

Work was intense because I was covering for a co-worker.

Managed to work out.

It's getting very cold here.

We watched a documentary called "Small Town Gay Bar". It was very moving and sometimes very emotional.

Today at work

Today at work was crap

Covering for people while they're on vacation is never fun

The weather here isn't very good either, gloomy, a little rainy, and getting really cold this weekend

I still managed to listen to God today, in my own small way

My muscles ached all day from doing yoga yesterday (the first time I'd done it in a couple of months)

Karate class was awesome tonight, the highlight of my day - my instructor was impressed with me for once

The dogs are playing now

Finding some meaning

I’m in one of those modes where I’m questioning my so-called ‘calling’, my involvement in the church, indeed even my attendance at church.

If one takes time to examine the world and put some thought to its existence, purpose, hope, future, then someone could easily take a very dim view of it all.

On the one hand, we are all basically specks of dust, flitting about, trying to extract meaning out of an existence filled with some joy, yes, but also plenty of pain, sorrow and ultimately death. And we’re all stranded on this ball of mud, hurtling through the cosmos unsure of the vast majority of everything that surrounds this beautiful but yet impossibly small in the grand scheme of things and seemingly insignificant, planet.

What assurances do we have? What promises? What do we know for certain? How can our religion, our faith be so solid as to resist all of these questions and uncertainties?

I don’t know that I have any answers, I don’t know if I can ever attain them. I will start with some things I do know.

I know I was fortunate enough to be born into a family that loves me very much. I had a wonderful childhood, unlike others I know. I have had a fortunate life. I don’t mean fortunate where I have lucked into a lot of money, or an easy life when it comes to relationships, jobs etc. In fact I’ve had a couple of serious medical issues in my lifetime, one of them life-threatening. Until my current relationship I had terrible luck with picking insecure, demanding, possessive and unstable people to be in relationships with and seemingly brushing aside anyone who would have provided something more real.

But through it all I have somehow managed to come through, usually the better off and with an attitude that instead of belying bitterness, instead embraces the new opportunities and relishes the lessons learned. In that, I have been very fortunate.

I also know I feel love. I feel love from my partner, I feel love from my dogs, I feel love from my friends and family, I feel love from my co-workers. But for myself, I feel love towards all those people, I feel love towards people I don’t even know. When the tsunami hit southeast Asia, when Hurricane Katrina hit the U.S., when the bridge collapsed in Minnesota, I cried genuine tears of sorrow and compassion. I don’t say these things to pat myself on the back, but I know that by virtue of these things, I know I have emotion in my heart. I know a lot of other people do; I hope everyone does, at least on some level.

So what does love mean? Why have compassion towards fellow human beings? If all we are are animals doing nothing more than to survive, why care about anyone else but ourselves?

I believe love comes from God. As the Bible says, “God is love.” It also goes on to say “He who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.”

A pretty simple statement on the surface, but love really isn’t simple at all when you get down to it. Love is hard. We should all know that. But that tangent is for another time.

Some may not hold much credence in the Bible. I still have questions about it and don’t think it is a book to always be taken literally. But I do know I learn from it that love exists, God is love, and God (love) is in the world.

That is something to latch on to. That gives meaning to these specks of dust flitting about. On this cold, gray January afternoon, that is enough for me.

Some thoughts

Something from yesterday:

Once in a great while something really grabs a hold of me and makes me think. Scary, huh? Here are three different short lines that all converged upon me today:

A verse from the Liturgy of the Hours:
Bear one another’s burdens and so you will fulfill the law of Christ (Galatians 6:2)

From an inspirational booklet given to me:
The difference between servitude and servanthood is the difference between have to and get to.

And finally from a ‘quote of the day’ email I receive at work everyday:
Do you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility. -St. Augustine (354-430)

Time to go ponder.

Thoughts on radical inclusion

Some people espouse the idea of 'radical inclusion' when talking about the church. What does this mean?
For some it takes on a somewhat political tinge when people use the idea to say gays and lesbians should be included within the church.

Does it just mean gays and lesbians? Does it mean everyone?

At what point is the line crossed? Is there a line to cross? Should we care?

As a gay man I obviously welcome the idea of inclusion. But does radical inclusion literally include everyone? Can that lessen the idea of being included? And should I care because as a gay man I am being included?

Lazy Sunday

I think my post last night concerning the former bishop of San Joaquin was a little harsh, but it's the way I felt at the time so there it is.

Regardless, this day has pretty much been a waste on one hand, but kind of nice on the other. I ended up skipping church and have done nothing productive.

But we lit a fire and watched movies all day and played with the dogs. So that made it nice.

Former bishop of SJ done

The former bishop of San Joaquin has been inhibited. I would love to link to a conservative blog or two here but they are always filled with lies and hate. So I refuse to do that here. My preoagative.

Anyways, the hateful bishop of SJ is in the process of being deposed. Let the conservative spin process begin.

http://frjakestopstheworld.blogspot.com/2008/01/former-bishop-of-san-joaquin-inhibited.html

Evan Almighty

We're watching 'Evan Almighty'.

Besides it being silly and not such a great movie, it actually provides some insight.

A man is being called by God, he denies it, thinks he's crazy and at some point through the overcoming power of God he accepts God's will. He does this at the chagrin and even laughing of those who know and love him.

A large part of accepting God's call for me is accepting the sure to come questioning, even mocking.

How do I prepare myself for that?

It has pre-occupied a lot of my thinking over the last few months. How do I prepare for other people's reactions? I think that is what is truly holding me back.

The initial response I received from my partner was a mix of 'I saw this coming' to 'why on earth would you consider such a thing?'

So that's where I am. I (think) know what people's reaction will be.

But I have to brush that aside. Anything I believe in has to be strong enough to stand up in the face of any criticism or questioning. If it doesn't, then maybe it's not real.

Clinton wins!?

MSNBC is now projecting Hillary has won the NH primary.

Thank God some people came to their senses.

I hope the projection holds and I hope this gives Sen. Clinton a huge boost.

Hillary

I've been a Hillary fan since back in the day when her husband was surging forward to become president.

Right now with 51% of the vote in New Hampshire, she is leading Obama. Only by two points, but still, she is doing much better than anyone thought she would.

Is Hillary back? I hope so.

The dogs are fighting over a rawhide bone, Tom is down at the boat, I'm here by myself (human-wise) watching football, trying to get settled into a new year.

It's not easy getting back into a groove. But I know there are worse things.

I have people from Church Under the Bridge (an outreach group I'm involved with) demanding time and resources from me when other board members apparently can't communicate or are too ignorant to do so.

Work is weird, stupid people have prominence, stupid things take precedent, and in general things are just weird.

Geaux Tigers!

Go SEC! LSU is currently dominating Ohio State in the BCS national championship game.

SEC speed and talent versus Big Ten strength and general sluggishness.

Geaux Tigers!

Epiphany

I experienced my first Epiphany service today. It was great, Christmas carols and the children portraying the manger scene.

I found it odd to be singing Christmas carols at this time of the year, but at the end, I loved it.

Love of immigrants

Are immigrants worthy of our love? I tend to think so.

Other people don't agree.

Where does love enter the argument of immigration?

Aren't we all children of God? If so, don't we all deserve the same kind of health care?

I'm having a little trouble getting in the groove I want so much for the new year.

Granted it's only the 3rd, but still, every year I want to hit the ground running.

Ain't happening yet though.

Who let the dogs out?!

Yesterday morning, my brother in law (who had been staying here) was out around 5:30 getting ready to go to a football bowl game.
After retrieving his case of beer on the deck he also left the gate open. So when I let the dogs out, half asleep - not realizing the gate was open, they were gone.

When I came back to let them in, I noticed the open gate and proceeded to have my freak out. The dogs were gone.

I ran out into the driveway and then the street yelling for the dogs. My bro in law then proceeded to tell me "the dogs went that way" motioning down the street.

This was of course after the fact. The dogs were long gone. No sign of them.

I ran down the street yelling for the dogs, boyfriend right behind me. We decide getting in our cars was a better solution.

So we get in our cars and go our separate ways.

Two black dogs, lost in the complete blackness.

Ok, so I went back once to the house to check, just in case the dogs went back to the house. They weren't there.

I was searching in darkness, hopeless, dogs were gone, rush hour traffic was coming soon.

About 30 minutes later my partner did the same thing and the dogs were there and called me on my cell phone.

The dogs were home and safe. When I got back I hugged them forever and there were many hugs and kisses.

What a way to start a Monday.