Meeting w/ my priest

I met with a priest at church today to talk about my discernment. It went well enough. This particular priest is so compassionate and pastoral in a one on one setting.
She immediately posed some questions that she said up front weren't fair questions but were questions that had to be asked. Why do you feel called? One of my responses was I felt a call to service. She asked, "Why in the church?" Why a priest?

Very pointed questions that cut straight to the heart of the matter that I really wasn't prepared for. But I think all in all, for an initial discussion I handled myself ok. I think now that I know how this process will go, as far as what types of questions I will be facing, I will be better prepared in the future.

So, immediately after our meeting I felt a great weight had been lifted. But then as the afternoon went on, I felt a great deal of anxiety. Anxiety over the seriousness of what I had done, this is a big deal. And I had contemplated most, if not all, of the aspects involved with this process. But hearing my priest talk about all of those issues brought a clear ray of light on all those issues and made them seem even larger than I had imagined. So the weight of that laid on me all day.

I'm feeling better now though. We'll see what happens. I have some homework: write a spiritual autobiography (which I've done twice before), and reading over the ordination services for each order of bishop, priest and deacon.

Now the fun begins.

I've been doing some semi-preparation before my meeting tomorrow with my priest. It's been quite helpful to go back and look at past thoughts. In fact, it has been inspiring.

I am feeling more comfortable with tomorrow's meeting.

San Joaquin electing a new bishop

The Living Church and other websites and blogs are reporting some great news, the Episcopal Diocese of San Joaquin will be holding an election for a new provisional bishop. This bishop is of course to replace the currently inhibited and soon to be deposed former Episcopal bishop Schofield of San Joaquin.

http://www.livingchurch.org/news/news-updates/2008/2/27/san-joaquin-provisional-bishop-election-march-29

I've done it now

Well, I've done gone and done it. I called one of the priests at church today and am meeting with her on Friday to talk about my discernment. It was almost comical, I was as nervous about making the phone call as I was calling girls in high school to ask out for a date. As I look back on those years and see myself as a foolish teenager hopefully I will be able to look back on these current days and see myself as a scared, trembling little person seeking their place in God's church.
I was almost sick before I made the phone call. Magically I feel so much better afterwards. Even though there is still the conversation to have, I feel as if a weight has been lifted. I know my path now, where it will lead me I'm not sure, but I'm ok with that for now.

Coming to a head

I am feeling that some things in my life are coming to a head. Chiefly among them is my discernment process, more on that later.

Some things at work are building up, the next month or two are going to be quite busy.

My relationship with my partner. I feel we’re in a state of transition, it’s hard to explain but if neither of us decided to devote any time or energy into it, the relationship could take a bad turn. But I also see some really good signs that we can definitely move forward.

Back to my discernment process. As Sr. Kathy has told me, it’s time I made the move forward and actually talk to someone at church. I have plans to call a priest I know personally and meet with her, hopefully this week. I know I will have to talk to the Dean eventually, but I wanted to start with this certain priest since that is whom this all began with.

The idea of making the phone call isn’t that hard to envision, nor is sitting down and talking with her. But I know once the time actually comes it will be nerve wracking.
I know what I want to say and pretty much how I want to say it, lord knows I’ve been practicing while I’m driving. Unfortunately this is one time when I wished I spent more time in my car.
Today at church they hosted a Lenten quiet day, a series of presentations and time for quiet and meditation. I was only able to go to one. I went to one given by this particular priest, it was about living into joy. She spoke about how hard it is for people to truly live into joy and that part of the problem is we don’t truly live into God. We have to live into God and not ourselves before we can be truly joyous. We have to let go, to give up all of our pride and agendas and let God be our life.

Letting go of our agendas, our pride, our plans. This is something that is very hard for me to do. How am I to know that these thoughts, these feelings are God’s and not something my humanness has made up? And if it truly is from God, then how am I to let go of all my fears about change, the person I see myself as?

It’s all just a big mess right.

Trust. I need to trust in God and let myself go.

Questioning (again)

I'm not sure what path I am on at this point. I have a directive from my spiritual director, if you will, to talk with a priest from church about my call to a vocation. At times I am very excited about this thought. I think it would relieve quite a bit of pressure off of me. Just voicing what I'm thinking and going through, to someone at church, would be a great comfort.

On the other hand, I am worried about what it all means. Putting myself forward will change how people view me within the church. That part is obvious I know but it weighs on me probably more than it should. I am concerned about having to live up to a certain standard. It may sound silly but I know how people are, especially after hearing stories of how people will complain about the quality of doughnuts on Sunday mornings, the service times, how one priest may occasionally stumble over a word here and there during the service. So how will people react to and look at someone whom they know to be in the discernment process?

I thought I had moved beyond being concerned how others look at me, but maybe I haven't.

Alternative oversight?

There is some new discussion coming out about the idea of alternative oversight for bishops in the Episcopal Church who are not happy with the leadership of Bishop Schori. A link to a post about this on the blog Preludium is here:
http://anglicanfuture.blogspot.com/2008/02/communion-partners-some-light-on-matter.html

I really don't think this is a good idea. This whole idea just seems to be another way to undermine TEC. This opens the door for people to separate themselves and not participate in the life of the wider church because it is 'tainted'.

I am thinking more and more that it is time for everyone to bite the bullet and make the hard decisions. Let's get it over with I say and move on. Until we do it almost seems like we're prolonging the painful reality.
I'm all for staying in conversation and staying at the table but at this moment I'm thinking it's not getting us anywhere.

Of course I'm not settled, I may very well waffle and change course.